Learning to Fall.
Chapter Fifty Eight ~ Tezuka
Warnings: Yaoi, Love, Angst, Fluff, and Lots of Sex. Some kink. You've been warned ;)
Disclaimer: Nope not mine. Still in my dreams. ;)
Tezuka Kunimitsu was...nervous. It was an odd feeling for him and it took him a few moments to recognize that was how he felt. He could at least admit the feeling to himself. What had seemed like such a good idea at the time now seemed a bit of a desperate plan that bordered on possibly going chaotic or at the very least could go very, very wrong.
He was certain that no one around him, not even his friends, would ever know he would nervous. He had more than enough control for that. He might possibly only admit his nerves to Fuji, ever. Then again, remembering feeling the tensai warm and seductively curled up on his lap in the cab, whispering in that honey toned cashmere sigh how hard he was and how much he wants him, Tezuka realized, he might not.
When Fuji gave the cab driver at the movies the address of where they were going next, the current Vice-Captain paused. He worried for a moment if he should tell Fuji that he had been there, and knew it well, or if it would be best if he say nothing. It had been a long time since he had gone there. He had no idea Fuji had been there and he realized also that Fuji had probably been to this place with that girl that night he made Tezuka beg him to stop.
Just remembering, even though the girl was gone, caused an irrational swelling of pure jealousy to pulse through his blood. He decided to keep his mouth shut. He had not been there in a long time and perhaps he would know no one there anymore. He'd had after all no idea Fuji had ever been there or that the place was even still open.
The current Vice Captain was more than a little annoyed at himself. He had been very surprised and very pleased earlier when Fuji told him he would show him what it was like to be him. It was something Tezuka had often wondered in the years of watching the tensai from afar. In the time he had actually known Fuji, the wonder had increased and his want to know more about him turned into an ache.
He was so turned on by Fuji in the cab, it had been difficult to keep control. Tezuka wanted tonight to be about building trust, about showing Fuji how much potential they had together. Potential that Fuji would then be unable to walk away from. Now Tezuka was nervous because he realistically worried that Fuji would take this too far. That it would be too much.
Fuji tended to take things too far, too fast, all the time. It was Fuji's way of sabotaging things to protect himself. Tezuka did not want to give him a chance to use his pattern of too fast and too far, to use his fears to push Tezuka away. Tezuka's heart would shatter if after these nearly perfect few days of getting and being so close, all ground gained was lost.
He was too well aware that if Fuji's heart closed now it might never open again.
At least not ever to him.
He would lose. They both would.
Losing Fuji was unacceptable.
He could do this. He would.
He had meant for tonight to be some gentle teasings, seeing how far Fuji had been, and playing with how far they could possibly go. Showing the tensai in action instead of words. Fuji, to his astonishment, had really never played like this before, but he wanted to. He really wanted to, really wanted this, as much as Tezuka did.
They were so damn good together, it felt so natural, that things went almost too far from the beginning. Like a perfect dream they just clicked together. Perfectly together. Instead of the questions he expected Fuji would ask and reassurances Tezuka thought he would have to give, everything seemed to be perfectly understood and naturally returned. Tezuka knew from the beginning that they were much the same. Neither one fully capable of fully submitting, but both willing to give in and let the other lead for a time, both strong enough to take control and let it go. The entire day and night had been one long, sexy, beautiful dream. It had been too perfect.
Now Tezuka had to figure out exactly how to finish the scene they had started in a very sweet, almost vanilla way, so that Fuji did not get scared off and leave him. So that Fuji stayed.
The trouble was, Fuji was damn hard to predict.
And the tensai was most dangerous when he was unpredictable and scared.
Fuji was surely going to fight. Going to get scared. Going to panic. Going to try to push him away.
And yet, Fuji's predictable unpredictability was another reason why Tezuka had fallen in love with him him in the first place. It was why he wanted to know him better. Even while he knew that always, no matter how much and how well he knew him, Fuji could mentally dance circles around him and surprise him. Fuji had this morning. He probably would tonight too with whatever he wanted to show Tezuka.
Oishi and Kikumaru probably did not realize that they were there as Fuji's backups. Fuji's safety net in case things with Tezuka went too far, too fast, as Fuji pushed and then panicked. With them there, Fuji had an out. An escape. Which was how and why Fuji kept distracting himself by watching them in the cab and then by watching them dancing. Its always easier to watch and monitor things going on in other's lives than in your own.
Tezuka had of course noticed Oishi and Kikumaru but barely gave them a thought. He knew Oishi well and he seemed to be handling this very new relationship well despite his earlier mistaken misgivings and despite some rather large obstacles place in their way in the beginning. In a way, Tezuka was amused at how hard his normally shy, stable friend was in love, seemingly for the first time, and how far he was willing to go for it. Tezuka, now, was happy for him, for them. He found it fairly inspiring, not that he would ever tell anyone that.
But he needed to keep his control and attention on Fuji, on them. He could not afford any mistakes. He could not afford to be distracted.
Not with Fuji.
He was just going to have to keep showing Fuji physically, emotionally, and mentally how into this, into him, into them Tezuka was invested. How much he wanted this, and hope somehow the tensai understood. He was going to have to hope and bet that Fuji was capable of both understanding Tezuka's feelings and reciprocating them enough to trust him. Enough to let go.
This would be so much easier if Fuji was not such a willing and yet willful participant. Fuji complemented him a moment after not saying his name when he knew it would please him. One moment he would seem to adore him back and the next he would do something to tantalize Tezuka again in a small act of lovely defiance and lust. He was so beautiful, so needy, so exquisite. He had no idea how incredible he was, and that was even more attractive. Fuji naively thought he needed to turn Tezuka on still, as if Tezuka was not burning with want for him even as Fuji came in his mouth earlier this afternoon. The naive genius. Syusuke had no idea how much Tezuka wanted him.
How much Tezuka wanted this.
That if Fuji would only, could only trust. If he could only yield and let Tezuka in, Fuji would see that what Tezuka wanted for them was exactly what Fuji wanted as well.
Back then, in the cab, Fuji decided again to be willful. To wrestle back some control in a wanton manner. Fuji went through a list of explicit fantasies, involving them, one after the next after the next, in gorgeous, graphic detail. All save the one thing he really wanted.
Fuji never ceased to surprise him.
It was a damn good thing that Oishi and Kikumaru were in the cab at that point.
Tezuka knew Fuji. Loved him. He knew what his fantasies were. He knew now that Fuji was nervous about something too and was trying to distract himself by either watching their friends or by turning Tezuka impossibly more on. Tezuka was not sure if it was about where they were going or truly about his understandable intimacy fears resurfacing. He just played with Fuji to calm his nerves and moved away as the tensai went to press his bruises into him.
Fuji always fought for control.
Swimming upstream, fighting the current, when he didn't have to. Tezuka would never play with Fuji to where he lost control in front of other people, but Fuji again was afraid to trust. Just like he was afraid to really fall in love, and had not realized completely that he already had. Tezuka knew he had. He knew Fuji loved him back just as much.
When Fuji realized his own feelings, he would panic.
Tezuka figured by the end of the night they would probably get into a fight, probably one or both of them would be in tears, and that hopefully, at the end of it all, Tezuka could finally, permanently break through and just love him. And just be loved back. Tezuka hoped that what they had built over the last few days and the door Tezuka was opening to him would be enough. That Tezuka's heart given freely would be enough for Fuji to not push him away when Fuji inevitably became scared.
Tezuka knew him. He knew what Fuji was going to show him mattered to Fuji. Greatly. As soon as Tezuka understood what it was, Fuji would pull away scared. It was inevitable. There never were any shortcuts with Fuji. No easier roads. No paths of least resistance. Unfortunately. It was all or nothing. Now if Tezuka could only clearly see a way for them both to win and be together then he would be happy. If only this desperate plan worked.
No. He could not afford to think like that. This would work. It had to.
In the meantime, he was pleased that he did not recognize any of the bouncers outside the club, and that he saw, glancing quickly, there was no one in the long line he knew. If he was recognized, and Fuji asked him, Tezuka would be happy to tell the tensai who he came here with back then, before him. He would tell Fuji anything he wanted to know. He would tell him even that he was nervous right now. Whatever it took to win him.
Fuji, to his pleasure, as they had stepped out of the cab waited for Tezuka to replace his hand on the small of his back and lower. He welcomed his touch. He was behaving, in his own way, and allowing Tezuka to be in control for now. Tezuka let Fuji lead them in through the door, after the minor scene where Kikumaru, shockingly, did not verbally attack or physically go to kick the teeth out of the guy's head who stupidly asked him if he would share Oishi.
Tezuka had to admit, he was pretty surprised at Kikumaru's control there. Kikumaru lately seemed to constantly surprise him. Every time Tezuka had Kikumaru figured out for a loud, silly, flighty, naive, immature kid, he showed remarkable levels of strength, resilience, intelligence, and tenacity. Tezuka supposed that there had to be more to him if Oishi was that enamored of him.
Instead of attacking, Kikumaru instead looked completely relaxed and confident. Tezuka would not have been so kind had anyone been stupid enough to open his mouth like that about sharing Fuji. He was even surprised at how calm and collected Oishi seemed. This was all new to Oishi. He was a good, solid guy but tended to get upset and rattled easily. Kikumaru somehow was able to keep himself and his new boyfriend calm and focused. They were good together.
Tezuka did notice before they were buzzed into the VIP room, that Oishi and Kikumaru kissed and talked. Tezuka wondered for a moment who was comforting whom. Kikumaru took Oishi by the hand as they walked in the room and appeared to be leading but Tezuka was not sure. Oishi seemed comfortable so Tezuka stopped watching out for his friend at that point, and turned his full attention back to Fuji, where it needed to be.
Only to be greeted by the owner. Who did recognize him even after all this time. Of course he did. Damn!
Tezuka calmly responded to the guy's polite questions and greeting and never took his hand off Fuji's back. He never liked the guy anyway.
Tezuka, during it all, only moved his hand in the same rhythm, slowly dipped his finger down in a gentle, subtle caress, until he felt the tension, which had for an instant flooded Fuji's body, start to recede. They walked with the owner into the main room. He was still touching Fuji and Tezuka now knew what Fuji would be doing but was not at all certain why. Or why this was so important to him. Or how this would show Tezuka anything new about Fuji.
Tezuka waited also after the owner greeted him for a question or ten more from Fuji. He got none. That was probably not a good sign.
Or was it? They went to the DJ booth. The owner told the current DJ to shove off. The guy started to protest until Tezuka stood in front of the him until the kid backed down and left with the owner. Fuji seemed pleased instead of bothered by Tezuka's instinctive urge to protect him. Tezuka then reluctantly let Fuji go and went to a once familiar corner to watch and wait to see what Fuji had to show him.
Tezuka was no longer touching him but ached to. Somehow, it felt like they were still connected, although he could see Fuji was lost to spinning at the moment. All the tensai's attention was focused it seemed. Like before he played a match. Tezuka watched his beautiful face being lit up by busy flashing lights, the intense look, and the knowing, wicked smile that formed on his face as he decided where to move to win. Tezuka watched Fuji's entire body move with elegance and poise. His slender, strong fingers flowed with precision and grace. The tensai had the ability to block external distractions when he played tennis and did so now also, to Tezuka. Which hurt slightly to be a distraction. He would have to remember to ask him about that later. As Tezuka wondered, Fuji paused a moment as if calming his own nerves, and then began.
The music that was on now was common, droll, uninteresting. The guy before was talentless and unpracticed. Tezuka really did not keep up with current hits but knew a few popular songs around from school and the radio. He had also been around long enough to know when someone was good. Fuji was very good. Excellent. As expected. Tezuka felt and watched the crowd's reaction to just the first song and it was like the entire place roared in response.
He then considered that Fuji was probably playing songs that had an emotional impact on the crowd. The music before was angry with a thick, dull, driving constant beat. Almost like a migraine set to music with a touch of road rage thrown in for good measure. It was about as sensual as a brick. This felt lithe, clean, and happy. It was seductive, sexy, lusty, and Tezuka wondered if that was how Fuji was feeling. If he was expressing his current state of being in music and able to carry an entire crowd along with him for the ride.
Fuji started adding a third song and taking the first one he had walked in on finally away. The tensai was very good, good enough to do this for a living if he spun like this all the time. No surprise the bouncers and the owner were glad to see him walk in the door and spin for a while. He should ask Fuji if he was getting paid, he certainly should. The crowd had picked up in response to the music. It was going to be a very good night for the club now.
Tezuka had thought Fuji only liked classical music with a smattering of well done classical jazz. He wondered idly if Inui had any data on this.
Just as he thought that, like a bad penny, Inui shocked him by sticking his head in the door. "Fuji! I knew it was you! Its beautiful!" Inui's face was nearly split by an strange, uncharacteristic, wide and excited grin. Inui had not seen Tezuka yet. Tezuka braced for when he did.
Inui liked Tezuka. Really liked him. He liked Tezuka all their freshman year, he even went so far as to tell Tezuka he loved him. He had on several occasions tried to kiss him, and then when all else failed, he had outlined specifically the one hundred and thirty seven reasons why they should be together. Tezuka at first attributed it to a crush but it still continued, very one sided, today. Inui never quite backed off totally, he just assumed this posture that he would wait for Tezuka to come around and occasionally announced to Tezuka that he had thought of another reason or six or twenty to add to his list. The list was well over two hundred when Tezuka stopped listening to his numbers.
Meanwhile, Tezuka waited for Inui to come around to the fact that Tezuka was never going to like him in that way. He did like Inui as a person. Sincerely, he did. He felt bad for him too. The guy had been hurt at some point in his life and he had a hard time trusting people. Once he respected and trusted someone, he gave them his heart and was constantly surprised when he was again and again rejected. No matter how many times Tezuka tried to explain to Inui that dating by data was not like tennis by data, he would not listen. Inui remained steadfastly convinced he just configured the data wrong and that the fault was in Inui's conclusions rather than the premise.
You cannot logically fall in love.
Tezuka looked at Fuji, so handsome and happy, and the Vice Captain smiled at him as he talked with Inui. At his movement, Inui slowly turned, and his mouth dropped open. Tezuka was glad that Inui's glasses hid the probably shocked and then hurt expression in his eyes, even if it did not keep it off his face. "T...Tezuka!" Inui said in a stunned voice. Then Inui looked at Fuji and must have put two and two together, but somehow, Inui, when it came to people, always added things up wrong.
Inui recovered quickly and grinned wide again, "Isn't Fuji amazing?"
That, Tezuka could honestly answer, "Yes, he is."
Inui quickly crossed the room and started babbling excitedly to Tezuka as Fuji, smiling more at Tezuka's sincere complement, turned back to work.
Inui went on and on. Something about the music being mathematically perfect. Not just the songs or the fact that they were played to specifically affect mood much like sound could relax or even hypnotize a person, but the songs additionally were mathematically perfect. That only a handful of people in the world could ever do this and do this so beautifully. "Would you like to see, Tezuka?" He held up from his bag a small computer screen. The base of the small computer in his bag, he set on the ground between them. He asked Fuji if he could plug in and Fuji nodded not turning from what he was doing. Inui had apparently done this before. "Fractals, Tezuka! He's mixing fractals!"
Inui plugged a few wires into spaces and the view screen in his hand jumped to life of dancing colors and twisting images. It was breathtakingly beautiful. It reminded Tezuka of an ice cave he had once climbed when the sunrise hit it at first light. Behind him was a wall of sheer ice, and in front of him a perfect white snow wall as a screen. Just then the sun rose and hit the ice wall behind him. In front of him, the wall exploded into so many vivid colors that they slammed the breath out of him as he hung there suspended, utterly awed.
Tezuka knew if that wall, if it had a sound, it would be what Fuji was doing. "Inui?" Tezuka suddenly had to get his attention for a moment to ask him, "How many people in the world could do this?"
"Without a computer? A handful at most, if that many." Inui explained, "A fractal is a geometric shape, a complex and detailed in structure at any level of magnification. Fractals are endlessly repeating patterns that vary according to a set formula, a mixture of art and geometry. A real-life example of fractals is ice crystals freezing on a glass window. You can see countless variations of the same pattern emerge in the crystals over time. Under magnification it keeps the same structure over and over. Fractals are visual representations of mathematical functions, which show increasing detail upon magnification. Fractal mathematics has to do with chaos theory. Chaos theory is commonly misunderstood to be a belief that the universe is absolutely chaotic. In fact, however, chaos theory suggests that everything we perceive as chaotic may actually contain perfect order according to a complex system which we don't have the capacity to fully understand yet; therefore every system, everything around us, due to its complexity, seems like chaos." Inui must have seen Tezuka's eyes glaze over.
"Basically, if you map the notes, and generate numbers to use as pitches, durations, amplitudes and so forth in musical composition to mathematics as Fuji does in his head, you can assign images to everything. The numbers seem random due to the complexity of the pattern, yet they are related in such obscure ways that the musical and visual results are often very pleasing...and always interesting. You are seeing how Fuji sees the music. You're seeing what he hears!"
Fuji mastering chaos theory made perfect wry sense to Tezuka.
"Could you do this, Inui?" Tezuka stopped the human computer's next excited tirade flat.
"Well perhaps, if I had a computer and...." Then he paused and looked again, he shook his head no. "Never...." Inui barely breathed. "Not on all the levels Fuji is doing this on." He explained further, "Most people will only notice that he is very good and that the music makes them feel happy and aroused. They will simply never be able to comprehend how many levels he is influencing right now." Inui looked down at the screen. He said softly, "I...I wrote the program to see it though."
"Its excellent Inui, as usual." Tezuka said softly, feeling bad for him. Inui, however, was completely focused on the screen, and never seemed to hear him.
Tezuka turned his focus back to Fuji as the crowd cheered in response, loudly, as one line in the chorus of a popular song, the next one Fuji would play, came out perfectly, a seductive tease for them. The beat was driving, ecstatic, sensual, joyful, and somehow more primal. If the music was Fuji's mood, the tensai felt all those things at this moment.
Inui gasped and then laughed loudly at the visuals he was seeing on the screen danced sylphlike in response to the sounds all around them.
Fuji gave Tezuka a long look, as if waiting to see his reaction. Their eyes met and held for a long, lingering moment.
Tezuka understood, just a little better, and somehow, fell in love with Fuji a little more.
Just, he mused, as Fuji had hoped he would.
Then Fuji smiled back at Tezuka. The tensai looked a little relieved, while still somehow looking very sexy and very pleased all at the same time. He turned back while still smiling and slowly, perfectly, slid the next song into this one.
On to Chapter 59!!