Learning to Fall.
Chapter Fifty Four
Warnings: Yaoi, Love, Angst, Fluff, and Lots of Sex. Some kink. You've been warned ;)
Disclaimer: Nope not mine. Still in my dreams. ;)
Oishi walked out.
He had no idea where he was going but knew he couldn't sit there anymore. He felt too terrible just sitting there. He was upset and getting more and more so as he walked, but tried to keep his face expressionless as there were people around. He went into the closest mens room and walked to the back of the stalls, with tears stinging his eyes, blurring his vision.
He didn't know if Eiji was still mad, from before tennis, from last night still, over this, over him, or what. Maybe now, maybe after this morning, maybe after making love and having experienced sex, Oishi wasn't such a challenge to Eiji. Maybe it was all too much. Maybe Eiji had just had a crush and now it was over. Maybe he had just been experimenting and was now done. Maybe Eiji had regrets. Maybe now that all the drama seemed to be over, Eiji was having second thoughts. Maybe Eiji realized all the things he would be giving up to be with Oishi and he didn't want this anymore.
Oishi knew for himself though, this was more than a crush. More than anything he had ever felt or experienced. More than he had ever hoped to.
However, he remembered all the times he had thought he really liked a girl before, when he had a hard crush on someone and just started dating her, really liking her. He would think about her all the time, want to see her and talk to her, but then soon after getting to know her, or especially after fooling around with her, he found he had not wanted to see her again. He was no longer interested in her. He wanted only to get away. To end things. He realized now he had dropped each girl like a hot rock, crushing their feelings, without really understanding why. All he had felt at the time was very sorry for hurting her feelings, very disappointed the girl was not how he thought she would be, and that he had needed space.
All he had wanted at that point was to end things and get away.
He felt terrible recalling that now. Remembering how he had been. What a terrible person he was. He felt really bad about it at the time too, but now, experiencing it for himself, it was horrible. He had been horrible towards them. He deserved this.
He didn't deserve Eiji. Or his heart.
Maybe Eiji just realized it first.
Oishi was crying. He went to close the door to the stall and Eiji was suddenly there, lightening fast, pushing it open and locking it behind them. After the initial shock of Eiji suddenly being there, Oishi turned his back because he couldn't look at him, and he didn't want Eiji to see him crying.
"Hoi? What's wrong? Are you sick? Are you mad at me, Oishi?" Eiji put his hands on Oishi's jacket, touching him for what felt like the first time in hours. He pressed his face to Oishi's back and hugged him from behind.
"No, I'm fine. Its nothing. You're missing your movie." He said it softly, his voice filled with tears, and his chest tight with pain.
"Nya. That's not important. I'm so sorry I got tired before. I'm sorry. Are you mad at me, nya?"
Oishi didn't trust his voice and just shook his head no. He was confused. He was devastated yes, but not mad. He understood why Eiji didn't have feelings for him anymore. It just hurt. Worse than anything else had ever hurt before.
Eiji said in a little quiet voice that sounded close to tears himself, "Oishi, I know this isn't a date, and I'm trying to be good, but part of me wishes it was. I'm sorry."
Oishi turned now to look at him with tears still blurring his vision. He was astounded. "What do you mean?"
Eiji hugged him hard when Oishi turned, and he pressed his face against Oishi's shirt. He whispered, sounding broken, "Oishi, I'm so sorry I got so tired. Please don't be mad at me. Please don't not love me anymore. Please?"
"What? Eiji I don't mind that you were tired. Not at all. I'm not mad...I...." Oishi was completely confused.
"Then what did I do?" It came out in a quiet little wail.
"Nothing, Eiji, I...."
"No! Don't say nothing. I slept alone, you showered without me, you ate without me, you're barely talking to me, and you left me to come in here. To get away from me. Why? What did I do wrong? Tell me, please, Oishi, I'm sorry." Eiji was now crying too.
It about broke Oishi's heart and he put his arms around him. "Eiji, I'm an idiot. I am so sorry. You did nothing wrong okay? Nothing."
"Nya then why....?"
"Shhh. Don't cry love. Please? I'm a jerk. I'm so stupid. This is my fault, not yours. I'm an idiot. Okay?" Oishi held him close to stop him from crying.
This was Oishi's fault, so was last night he realized, but not how he was thinking a minute before. It was Oishi feeling he didn't deserve Eiji that was dragging them down. It was Oishi not believing in himself, in them, that kept creating problems.
Oishi knew his sister had low self esteem when it came to dating, Oishi just didn't know until right then that he had it too. In nearly everything else his sister excelled and was confident, but when she dated, she sabotaged things, feeling not worthy. She often broke her own heart. His sister went too fast with a guy and scared the person she liked away, while Oishi retreated and pushed them away when he got scared. It was their father's legacy haunting them. And he realized it had to stop for Oishi and Eiji right now.
The entire time he and Eiji were together, when he first knew he had feelings of more than a friend for him, Oishi knew that he would probably lose his family, certainly he would lose his father. Eiji was an amazing trade for them though, and Oishi knew he would have no regrets. Last night though, it wasn't just about Eiji possibly losing his family, although that troubled Oishi too. But more it was that Oishi felt he was just not a good enough trade for Eiji to make for them. Oishi was wrong.
And he was right, Eiji did deserve better, but what he deserved was for Oishi to be better. To believe in himself, to believe in them. The more Oishi thought about it, about them, the more he found he already did. It was just old bad habits sneaking up to haunt him, to haunt them.
Eiji cried a little more, he expressed emotions so freely. Oishi held him, kissing his tears away, until he settled down. While Eiji had stopped crying, Oishi though of how to talk to him. "Eiji, I'm not mad or upset that you got tired. Not at all. It did scare me a little, I was worried, but I don't mind taking care of you, love. I never mind that. Eiji, all I want is for you to be all right and happy. I like taking care of you. I love being with you. But I was stupid and being a jerk because I thought you didn't love me anymore. I thought you didn't want to be with me."
Eiji looked at him now like he didn't believe him so Oishi continued, "I am such an idiot. I did sleep next to you by the way. I slept next to you until I woke up because I had a stupid nightmare. I couldn't really wake you to talk about it and so I let you sleep. To get rid of the bad dream, I showered. I asked if you wanted to come shower but you said you wanted to sleep more."
Eiji looked surprised.
"Really. You did, you were really tired, and wanted me to wake you an hour later. I missed you the whole time I showered. I even left the door open hoping you would come in and then got a little upset when you didn't. I checked on you when I came out to get dressed, and you were still sleeping. I went down and made dinner and hoped the smell of food might wake you, but it didn't. I ate hoping you would join me. When you didn't, I woke you up when I said I would. Eiji, I was hurt and upset not because you were tired, but because you really haven't kissed or touched me all day. Not really since this morning, but I shouldn't have been a jerk. I shouldn't have been such an idiot or upset you. I'm so sorry, love."
"Nya? I did."
Oishi had to jump back to what Eiji meant. Oh, the kissing. "No, not really."
Eiji looked like he didn't believe Oishi.
Oishi said it nicely, not wanting to upset him more. "When? When did you last kiss me, really kiss me today?" Eiji thought back and looked surprised. "Not since this morning, before we took a bath, when you and I, after we...right?"
Eiji looked shocked and then crushed. Eiji sagged a little against him. "Nya, Oishi, I'm...."
"Its all right, Eiji. I brought up tennis and was an idiot. I hurt your
feelings. It must have really hurt your feelings when I didn't understand how
much what I said kidding around would hurt you."
Eiji looked surprised that Oishi understood now and nodded, pouting a little remembering.
"I'm sorry. Then you were busy with tennis. We both were, and it was fun. Then after we played so hard, you were tired, exhausted. I understand. But to me, it seemed when you woke up that you were distant, you barely ate and barely talked to me, you closed the door when you showered, and then haven't really been..." Oishi searched for the right word, "...affectionate, since this morning. I got upset, I'm sorry. I wanted to kiss you, to touch you, but we had to hurry to get here. I didn't have time to talk to you about it before we got here. I thought maybe you were still mad or maybe that you didn't want to be with me anymore. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings or be a jerk though. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I made you miss some of your movie."
"Nya Oishi, not important, you are. I'm sorry too. I thought you wanted space and were here." Eiji touched Oishi's forehead and explained, "You said with girls, they never gave you space. I was being how I thought you were being. I'm sorry."
Oishi was surprised. "Eiji, I don't want space from you. I never feel that way with you. Ever. I love you. Eiji, I want to be with you. Even if I am a stupid idiot, I still love you though, all right? That isn't going to change. Not ever. I won't stop being in love with you. I couldn't stop loving you any more than I could stop wanting you, or wanting to be your best friend. You don't have to doubt how I feel even if I'm a jerk. Not ever."
Eiji nodded, "Nya I was stupid, you wanted to be closer and I thought you wanted space. And after this morning and last night...." Eiji was pouting, his chin was trembling like he might cry again. "Nya, I'm sorry, Oishi."
Oishi felt terrible, especially knowing how Eiji hated to feel or think he was stupid. "No, Eiji, no love. You have nothing to be sorry for, you were into tennis after I hurt your feelings and then exhausted earlier and I'm an idiot. I was the one who pulled away from you and then didn't talk to you about it. I should have, I'm sorry. You did nothing wrong. You just tried to give me what you thought I needed, space. You were just loving me. Before you went to sleep you even told me you loved me. You curled up with me too. I was just stupid and worried about you, about us. Its my fault."
Oishi was more used to the jumps now. "Yes, and you held me really close when we showered, before our nap." Eiji looked confused, so Oishi tried to remind him, "After we played tennis, when we got back to my house."
"Hoi? We showered?" Eiji looked surprised.
Oishi smiled and realized he might have little memory of then, "Yeah, you don't remember? You said you were all sweaty and mumbled that you wanted us to shower."
"Nya. You showered with me?"
Oishi smiled a little more. "I had to, I had to hold you up, you were too tired to even stand. I was going to put you to bed but you walked us into the bathroom. You really don't remember?"
"Nya, sorry." Eiji said it kind of wonderingly. "Thank you." He cocked his head to the side, "Hoi, I didn't even kiss you when we showered or got into bed?" He looked upset again and pouted.
"No, you were barely awake though. I was scared you were sick or something. Do you even remember going to bed?" Eiji shook his head no. "But you did pull me close to you, you thanked me, and you told me you loved me. I was a stupid jerk. You did nothing wrong Eiji. I'm an idiot. I'm so sorry."
Oishi expected Eiji to hold him closer and instead his entire body tensed up. He was angry. "Nya Oishi. Stop it. Stop calling my best friend a jerk. Stop calling my lover stupid. Stop calling my boyfriend an idiot!"
Eiji must have realized he said it the moment it slipped out of his mouth, that word, that word neither of them had dared to use.
He looked at horror at Oishi as if it would make Oishi leave him or panic. Eiji looked like he might again cry. Then as Oishi watched him, surprised, Eiji put his chin up and his eyes flashed. He was daring Oishi to argue with him.
Eiji looked at him for a long moment. "Nya. There. I said it. I won't take it back. I love you Oishi. You're not just my best friend. You're not just my lover. You're my boyfriend, Oishi."
Eiji looked at him still as if waiting for Oishi to contradict him, and then he took it one step further, because he was Eiji, "And I'm yours. I'm your boyfriend, Oishi." Eiji kept his chin up where it was but looked suddenly fragile, and very scared. Like he had in the hospital when they said they would use needles. As if Oishi might possibly hurt him or break his heart.
Oishi felt awed by him, he had never loved him more. "Eiji, your boyfriend is an idiot who is lucky to have you. And I love you too." Oishi kissed him, surprising him. Their mouths fit together so perfectly, their bodies fit together so perfectly, and after so long of not kissing or touching, it felt to Oishi like he had come home.
Eiji resisted for a moment as if he thought he would have to fight with Oishi a little more about the idiot part, but then must have given up as it dawned on him what Oishi had actually said.
Eiji then surrendered to the kiss, melting into Oishi. Oishi wrapped his arms closer around him and just kissed him, enjoying the feel and taste of him. His lips were salty from his popcorn and sweet from the soda. He touched his tongue to Eiji's and heard himself sigh in pleasure and want with Eiji sighing right after him.
But Eiji pulled back and broke the kiss after a long, lingering moment. He must have worried himself a little by what he said, worried he took things that far. He had some questions as if he wanted to make sure Oishi wasn't upset. "Nya, you're not scared?" Oishi shook his head no. "You're not here?" Eiji touched him gently between his eyes.
"No. I'm fine. Your boyfriend's right here, with you, staying with you. All right?" Oishi smiled at him and Eiji looked surprised and then happy. He kissed Oishi as if reassuring himself that Oishi was with him.
Oishi thought while he kissed him back about how Eiji hated to think of himself as stupid and how much it must bother him when Oishi berated himself. That went back to his father also and surely influenced his feeling bad about himself. Hear negative things enough times and you start to say them to yourself.
Then you start to believe them.
Even if you know they aren't true.
Oishi had a lot to work on himself about, but he realized, this he could promise to Eiji right now. "I'm sorry we didn't communicate very well today, love. And I'm sorry I said those things about your boyfriend. I'll work on the stupid idiot thing. I promise." He kissed him as if to seal his promise to him.
When the kiss broke he looked at Eiji for a long moment. "Eiji, your boyfriend loves you very much. More than anything. I'll tell you what, if I ever need space, ever, even for five seconds, I'll tell you. I promise. Until then, could you not give me any? I know you've been with me all day but, I missed you." Oishi said it and the ache he had felt came out in his voice.
Eiji smiled. He kissed and held Oishi, until the ache went completely away.
"Hmm. I missed you too." Eiji smiled for a moment and then stopped. He made a face showing shock and said his thoughts out loud, "Nya, except when I was sleeping, then I have no idea what happened. I don't remember anything, nya."
"I was really worried. But first, let me tell you again, as good as you always play, I've never seen you play like you did today. You were amazing. Incredible. On fire.You were so determined too. You amazed everyone. Everyone at the doubles courts. Everyone. Including Fuji and Tezuka. Including me. You're going to be a regular. You are." Oishi felt shy suddenly. He had never told Eiji this, but said it anyway, "It really turned me on watching you and playing with you. More even than normal. A lot more."
Eiji looked surprised. "Hoi? I always get turned on when I see you play."
"You do?" Now Oishi was surprised. It wasn't like it had turned Oishi on when they first started playing, when they were just friends or anything. But after they had kissed and touched it had started to. It was a different kind of turn on from him not being able to shower at school next to Eiji though. Showering next to him, knowing the things they could be doing to each other, was intense hot heat. Playing with him, being in sync with him, watching him play, watching him be so good and have so much fun, it was like a sweet, slow simmer where he got to enjoy being with Eiji and watch his body moving. Oishi was surprised and happy when Eiji said he felt the same.
"Hoi." Eiji smiled as he thought about it, as he thought about Oishi playing. "Hmm. Your shirt comes up when you serve right here, Oishi...." Eiji touched his hand up Oishi's shirt. "And then you can see this muscle here...." He touched his arm. "When you reach, this leg muscle looks really good...." Eiji touched his leg running his hand down him, he then looked at Oishi wickedly, "And this, looks really good too...." He grabbed Oishi's ass, pulling them and their erections up against each other, and then they both suddenly recalled they weren't wearing any underwear. Oishi saw it register in Eiji's eyes at the same time he remembered it too. Oishi gave a little gasp at the thoughts and the contact and their mouths met in a hungry kiss.
"Eiji, I never knew that you like to watch me also. That it turns you on too. You never told me." Eiji kissed him back harder as if still thinking about it, and he moaned a little purr. "Maybe I should have told you sooner...." Oishi said his thoughts out loud in between kissing him, his voice sounding husky with want.
Their lips met in another kiss, their tongues slid against each other, and they both breathed a little harder in the surge of heat. As they kissed each other hotly, they pressed their bodies and their erections up against each other, now knowing there were only two pieces of cloth between their skin. "Eiji, you look really good now. Very sexy. You saw what you did to me in my room."
"Hmm. You did the same to me, I just didn't show you. Those are good pants Oishi, they fit you well. I wanted to take them back off you when you put them on. I almost said when I dared you not to wear any underwear...and then I saw you were hard...." Eiji kissed Oishi hungrily, as if remembering it really turned him on, and he pulled him even closer to him, sliding his hands all over him.
"I wanted the same thing when you put those on." Oishi touched Eiji, cupping his ass though those wicked jeans, keeping their erections touching. "Why didn't you say?"
"Nya I didn't want to be late. Fuji already had the tickets, and I was being stupid, giving you space." Eiji pouted slightly.
"Hey." Oishi said, "Don't call my boyfriend stupid." Eiji smiled and looked at Oishi for a moment as if studying his face, wanting to remember this moment for some reason. Then he kissed him like he had been holding that kiss in all day. He teased him as he kissed him with those maddening tongue flicks, making Oishi smile. Then Oishi sucked his tongue gently how he liked, and as he did, he ran his hand up the back of his hair. Eiji purred a soft moan, smiling back at him.
"Better." Oishi told him when the kiss ended, before Eiji asked.
Eiji smiled for a moment but then pursed his lips in thought, "Hmm. Oishi? Why did you push my hand off the armrest, nya?" He now pouted remembering.
Oishi realized they were too idiots that were only meant for each other despite their differences. He smiled and explained. "No. I didn't push it off, I wanted to hold your hand, but thought you wouldn't want to. We are in a public place, and Tezuka and Fuji are right there. I couldn't help it though. I just wanted to touch you, feel your skin, I know its silly but I had to, even just a little, just for a second. I did this." Oishi showed him gently. "But then you pulled your hand away."
Eiji shook his head. "Nya Oishi, I was giving you space." Eiji held him a little closer as if to show him that he wouldn't do that anymore now, "And they're hollow."
"What?" Oishi lost this train of thought completely.
"Under the arm rests, here, is hollow. It goes right through. That's why Fuji wanted to sit in the balcony. That's why people like sitting up there. Tezuka was holding Fuji's hand and touching him before the movie even started. I saw."
"Oh. You never said."
"I didn't think you would want to." Eiji shrugged and pouted.
"Well I do," Oishi said although Eiji looked like he didn't believe him, "Your boyfriend does a lot." Oishi kissed him to convince him. He then said, "Eiji, did you see that one couple, in the corner, the one really kissing?" Eiji nodded, showing Oishi by making a face how shocked he was at their public display. "Did you see they're both guys?"
"Nya!" Eiji's jaw dropped open.
"Yeah. I swear. It surprised me too. One just has long hair." Oishi paused and felt a little shy, "It made me miss you."
"Nya. I'm right here." Eiji kissed him, putting his arms around him more, and Oishi kissed him back, wanting to be closer to him just as much. Oishi teased him a little until Eiji made that little purring whimper that always got to Oishi. Oishi gave a little involuntary growl of his own in response.
"Hmm Oishi? Did you ever notice that we kiss a lot in bathrooms?" Eiji looked around as if just noticing where they were.
Oishi laughed a little. "Actually, I think we kiss a lot everywhere, and I love it." Eiji laughed and kissed him more. Oishi this time melted into the kiss. Loving the feel of him, especially after missing him all day. As they kissed, their hands wandered all over each other, touching and pleasing each other in gentle caresses. Oishi noticed they were both gently moving against each other, softly grinding in a slow, sweet way.
Eiji must have realized this at the same time and he smiled. Then he kissed him again, a little harder, a little more passionately, and he ran his hands up Oishi's shirt, feeling the skin on his back. Oishi wished they were both alone and naked right then.
"Hmm. Oishi?" Eiji said when the kiss broke for a moment, "Can guys get married?" Oishi looked at Eiji surprised. Eiji's eyes were filled with mischief and lust but he wanted to know. It was as if he had wondered about it before.
Eiji then looked surprised too, like what he had thought the question to himself in his head and it had somehow just jumped out of his mouth because he was curious. But then Eiji realized what he had asked, and he blushed a little. As if he was worried and embarrassed that he would scare or upset Oishi.
Oishi decided to answer the question seriously and keep it light to keep Eiji from being embarrassed or worried. He kissed Eiji and teased him with his lips and tongue, letting him know his question didn't upset Oishi or make him go away. "I think in some places that they can."
He kissed him again until Eiji made that sweet purring whimper. Oishi thought he had distracted him rather well, he certainly was distracted by Eiji, but Eiji had more questions. "Hmm. Who has to ask?"
"What do you mean?" Oishi was a bit confused, a bit dizzy from kissing him, and then tried to decipher where Eiji's train of thinking had jumped tracks. "You mean with a guy and a girl, the guy is supposed to ask? That kind of thing?"
"Hmm." Eiji cocked his head to the side, nodding, confused, and wanting to know.
"Well, I don't think it always has to be any one way. Sometimes the girl can ask the guy. Its whatever works for them. Whatever feels right." Oishi thought that was a pretty good answer despite how turned on he was at the moment.
Eiji thought seriously, "Hoi, what's right for us?"
"For us?" Oishi was surprised. He thought about it, about Eiji, about them. "Maybe for us, we could just ask each other, we could both ask, but we're a little young, don't you think?" Oishi smiled a little more, still not knowing where this was going.
Eiji smiled and looked excited now. "Hoi, but when we get married, when we're old, like thirty," Eiji clarified for a very stunned Oishi, so he understood Eiji was not talking about right now, "and we get a house, we should pick one with lots of big bathrooms to kiss and play in, and have a really big bathtub, bigger than Fuji's!" He looked eager when he said it, and then instantly a little shy, a little worried, as if he felt he might have gone too far and said too much.
Oishi realized then that Eiji had no use for the word if. It didn't exist for him. Oishi said in some places they could get married so then of course they would. Eiji loved that much, and that way, and could not imagine anything else. He could not picture them not being together, like this, for the rest of his life. He believed in Oishi. He believed in them. He never even questioned it, he only worried about scaring Oishi away. Oishi retraced the entire conversation, wondering at the leaps kissing in bathrooms lead to when they were old, like thirty, and marriage. Them being married. Together that long and longer.
Oishi really loved him. Eiji really loved him back. After earlier feeling like he had lost Eiji and his love a short time ago, it was the nicest thing Oishi had ever heard, and exactly what he had needed Eiji to say.
Eiji was still looking worried, but waited for Oishi's response. It was important to him. This was very important to him. He was serious. He was amazing.
"That sounds really nice, Eiji. That will be really nice." Oishi said, held Eiji's chin in his hand, and kissed him. He started like they had kissed their first time. It was a loving, slow, kiss and Eiji kissed him back exactly the same way.
When the kiss broke, they smiled at each other. Oishi held him close, loving him, and believed a little more. He took a deep breath as they hugged, breathing him in. Eiji hugged him back hard and Oishi felt him smiling against him, as if delighted that Oishi said he wanted that too.
Right then, Oishi almost had a heart attack when someone banged on the stall door. "Excuse me? Hello? Gentlemen, are you all right in there?"
On to Chapter 55!!