Learning to Fall.
Chapter Forty Eight ~ Tezuka
Warnings: Yaoi, Love, Angst, Fluff, and Lots of Sex. Some kink. You've been warned ;)
Disclaimer: Nope not mine. Still in my dreams. ;)
In the moonlight that spilled into the room, he could just see his face and that he was smiling. He really did look like an angel.
All the more fierce that illusion when Tezuka glimpsed into his vast, expansive mind.
He had watched and waited for Fuji for a long time, hoping that he was not waiting in vain, yet not able to move away or on from him. He just caught glimpses now and again of how things could be. How Fuji could be. How incredible his potential was. Like a glimpse of stocking in a long ago era it beckoned like a promise.
He had also glimpsed at the problems just being with Fuji would cause. It would never, ever be easy. There were mountains of hurt and cargo holds of baggage piled up. A million issues and reasons not to, but it was the same reason why he loved climbing. He enjoyed the challenge of the impossible and the rewards that came with achieving it. He would sleep in freezing harsh conditions, barely eat, work himself until sick, even struggle to survive through blizzards and avalanches just to reach the top.
The part they never tell you about was that after you get to the top, you have to then come back down. That is what separates the wheat from the chaff. The ones who call for a transport out, who only climbed it to brag about it, and the ones who went there because they loved it, feared it, and had to achieve it for those very reasons.
He wondered if Fuji knew how much like Eiji, the Eiji he described as being needy, he was. He doubted it. Fuji was hungry to be loved, accepted, needed, cared for, and cherished. In return, like Eiji must be with Oishi, he would give everything he was and everything he had. Tezuka would never be able to settle for any less from someone he loved.
Tezuka did love him. He was inexorably drawn to him like he was mountains to climb, the Matterhorn, Everest, Fuji Syusuke. He smiled at the analogy. He had removed his glasses long ago and rubbed his tired eyes. He tried to process all the information Fuji had told him. Confessed, probably thinking Tezuka would leave him like everyone else would.
Fuji had no idea about Tezuka's secret. Tezuka did have an inkling about Fuji's but it was more of his brother, not his father. As soon as Fuji told him many more things, stories, ideas, images, that he had seen and wondered about suddenly clicked into place.
Tezuka had watched Fuji for so long to know that Fuji loved nothing more than a challenge. If Tezuka had originally come with his heart in his hand, Fuji would have rejected him by now. Fuji had to win him and at the same time be won. Tezuka had made a royal mess of it too. He honestly thought Fuji was torturing him because it pleased him. In a way, he was sure it did, but as the story unfolded, he saw for the first time, it was much, much more than that.
Fuji was playing the same role with Tezuka that he did with, Fuji said the name or most of it once, Taichiba. Tezuka would have to do some research and find out who this was. He felt utterly protective of Fuji and his heart now. It was a very good thing his brother or his father was not around or Tezuka might have acted irrationally and wanted to hurt them, threaten them, warn them away from what he loved. What he wanted to be only his. He wanted to protect him. He wanted to love him.
Tezuka mused that Oishi would find that ironic. Tezuka had no inkling that Fuji had kissed Oishi. Oishi never mentioned it or acted any different towards the tensai. He had been a good friend to him. Tezuka wished he had been there. It still burned within him that he wasn't.
He had not had a chance yet to tell Fuji that the senpai left not only the tennis club but Seigaku. In an ironic twist, he switched to St Rudolph's and it was his senior year. What he did must have shook him up badly. Tezuka hoped he got some help and never hurt anyone else again. He knew how Fuji could inflame someone but to hurt someone, to almost rape them, it was monstrous. Tezuka looked down and saw the bruises on Fuji in the moonlight. He had to suppress an urge to touch them gently with his hand as if he could make them better by willing them so.
He had no idea how Fuji played like that. There was another bruise on Fuji's back that was healing as well. It was remarkable that Fuji who was that strong could also be that weak. And incredibly attractive all at the same time. It made Tezuka both admire him more and want to protect him even more.
When it happened though, when Fuji was attacked and needed him, it freed Tezuka from hesitation. From waiting anymore. It was like a break in the walls Fuji had so long and carefully put up and Tezuka felt he had only that one chance ever to break through. He felt bad about doing it when the tensai was down but how ever else could he get close to him? He just wanted to love him. To help him. To cherish him.
Tezuka also knew he had incredibly high nearly impenetrable walls around himself. Somehow, the tensai was able to walk through them, see through all his defenses, as if they weren't there. He had tortured Tezuka since he arrived with looks, glances, those beguiling blue eyes, smiles, grins, the curve of those soft full lips, and then he would play against him. His body was like steel but soft to the touch. His scent when he wasn't wearing that damn cologne, the clean smell of his sweat, the sun on his skin, his soap after a shower, the casual touch of his hand as he asked Tezuka a question standing so close. Too close. Inches away. It was maddening, inflaming, and the most exciting thing Tezuka had ever experienced. He had fallen in love a few times, he had lovers, he had felt passion, or so he thought before Fuji came to Seigaku.
It did not help that he had been mesmerized by him for so long. Nor that Fuji, in person, in the flesh, was a thousand times more intense, more graceful, more polished, and completely unexpected, completely different, than any tape, anything written about him, anything spoken about him ever knew.
Tezuka took constant cold showers after Fuji arrived. He could turn Tezuka on just by their warming up and Tezuka as much and as often as he tried, could not look away. He was simply too captivating to miss. It was like hot water no longer existed for Tezuka now. On one camping trip after Fuji arrived, only he was able to get into a freezing stream to bathe. The people camping with him could not even attempt it. Tezuka thought it was ironic until he realized why.
Just his name, the thought of him, hours away, home, safe, warm, smiling, his voice, his hands, his lips, and Tezuka was hard, standing alone, in a freezing stream, surprised. Aching for him.
Tezuka had taken what Fuji offered and waited hoping for so long that there was something more. Something he glimpsed at. Believed in. Had faith in.
Tezuka reversed his conversation with Oishi from the night before. He knew he pushed all of Oishi's buttons and got him wound up but he honestly believed it was for both him and Kikumaru's own good. Tezuka knew without asking that if Oishi's father finds out he will make Oishi's life a nightmare. Was that worth a fling? A crush? And then there was Kikumaru's happiness. Neither one of them seemed ready to face the challenges that were before them as a couple. Wouldn't it be easier and wouldn't they be happier slipping back to their lives before each other? Going their separate ways before either got hurt?
Now that Tezuka knew the extent of their bond, he was extremely impressed with his friend Oishi. That he loved Kikumaru that deeply to give him up thinking he would be happier. Even if it meant he lost himself in the process.
If Oishi had come to him and said those things could Tezuka have just given Fuji up? A few months or so ago when they were still dancing around each other seemingly intent on hurting each other Tezuka might have said maybe. If it was what Fuji wanted and needed then maybe yes. But after Fuji was hurt he doubted he ever would. Or that he could.
Tezuka knew he was a lot like Oishi's stern father. Too much like him. He saw things too often in black or white. You won or you lost. If you lost, you learned and the next time you won. People were all shades of grey. He was wrong about Oishi, he was wrong about Kikumaru, and he was even wrong about Fuji who he swore after all this time watching him he knew well. He was wrong. He needed to find a way to correct that.
He suspected Fuji might help him in that regard.
He was Vice captain. Next year he would be Captain. He knew he was distant from his teammates although he liked and respected nearly all of them However, he doubted he could talk to them if something was wrong without botching it up like he did with Oishi, Fuji, and even Kikumaru.
He resolved to fix that even if it meant breaking and changing a few traditions around. He hoped his friend Oishi was still his friend and would agree.
He hoped that Oishi and Kikumaru were able to work things out.
Now that he knew more of Fuji's past from Fuji's own lips, Tezuka glanced down at them softly smiling in the moonlight still. So open, so trusting, so tempting. He had to still his heart that even now, even after having him and loving him was beating a little harder just looking at him. He wanted him again. Wanted to wake him and take him again or beg him to take Tezuka. Tezuka should have never asked him that. It would now become his biggest, latest Fuji fantasy and obsession.
Fuji hadn't made love to anyone and hadn't told anyone he loved them. Tezuka ached for both from him.
Just like sleeping next to him and waking up in the morning, holding him, perhaps loving him then, that had been an obsession for so long.
He had worried last time, when he made love to him, not sex but making love, and left early. He should not have but he did. He was worried that Fuji would push him away otherwise. Old habits. Just be far enough away from Fuji to keep him enraptured. He had noticed Fuji watching him ever since looking for a hint, or a sign of Tezuka's feelings. Tezuka wavered between taking him in his arms, kissing him, and reassuring him or just letting things unfold. He had done the latter. By whatever miracle the series of events unfolded and he ended up now laying with Fuji after being gifted with his touch, his kiss, him moaning his name when he came.
Tezuka had to shift in Fuji's bed, just recalling that hard cry, the incredible sound Fuji made as Tezuka came inside him, had him hard again. As he shifted Fuji moved closer to him in his sleep. He made a little sleeping moan. Its all Tezuka can do to not wake him, touch him, kiss him, and pleasure him.
Tezuka sighed and started to do a meditation to take his mind off the warm temptation in his arms. He is a patient person. He has waited this long, a little longer will be good for him. Good for them.
Now if he can only stop thinking of Fuji taking him. Of Fuji making love to him. Of Fuji letting go and loving him. Of Fuji saying the words back to him.
He had of course thought of it before, but, now that he knows Fuji hasn't with anyone else except that bastard who hurt him, who abandoned him, its going to haunt Tezuka's every moment. He knows this.
Just like it will haunt him that Fuji almost said he was falling in love with him. Tezuka is sure that was what Fuji was going to say.
Tezuka almost told Fuji several times tonight, how he really felt. That he loved him.
He had for as long as he could remember.
But he felt it would be too much, too soon. When climbing a mountain you have to take your time, secure your lines, be somewhat safe. Its not worth the risk of getting hurt rushing things. He isn't worried about hurting himself, he just does not want to cause Fuji anymore pain or scare him away.
"Can't you sleep?" Fuji says smiling, startling him.
On to Chapter 49!!