Learning to Fall.
Chapter Thirty Eight
Warnings: Yaoi, Love, Angst, Fluff, and Lots of Sex. Some kink. You've been warned ;)
Disclaimer: Nope not mine. Still in my dreams. ;)
He stifled a sob, he didn't want Oishi to hear him crying. Eiji was very proud of the way he walked out just now, not much of a scene, no begging, no yelling, no angry words, no hitting, no pouting, he just took the information and when Oishi would not respond to him, no, when he responded like he didn't care, didn't love him...
Hot tears were stinging Eiji's eyes at the thought. No it cant be true! It can't!
You don't go from loving someone completely to not loving them in a few hours. You just don't!
The next thing Eiji heard was Fuji yelling at Oishi. Eiji was dimly aware, even in his pain, that Oishi might need him. Oishi might have a panic attack and need Eiji to save him again. Maybe Oishi was sick or hurt and that is why he said what he said. So Eiji waited until he heard Fuji was there and yelling at him. Fuji would take care of Oishi for him.
Eiji now just needed to get away. He took 10 steps from Fuji's, waited about a minute to make sure, very sure, Oishi didn't come running after him, and then Eiji started running. He just ran. He had no destination in mind, he just needed to get away. He knew it was silly to run away but Oishi was so cold to him. He said terrible things. Eiji needed to get away and think and he knew he thought best while moving.
So he ran. He was crying as he ran, not even really aware that he was crying. Eiji automatically started out slowly. He realized he started slowly both because he wanted Oishi to come after him and also because he was not warmed up at all and did not want to hurt himself.
Not like Oishi hurt me! and he sobbed a little as he thought that. His leg was better but was not completely healed so he started slowly. He was glad he still had his tennis shoes on.
Eiji had to turn down a different street when he realized that he was by Oishi's house. He had automatically gone towards there when he was upset and wanted Oishi to comfort him. He cried a little harder at the thought. He was near Oishi's house where he and Oishi should have been together, making love for the first time. He was crying harder thinking about it as he ran, going down the other street to avoid places he and Oishi had been. Places where he met him in the morning. The apartment building where they kissed that one morning when Eiji was upset. That was the night Oishi told him the first time he loved him. At Fuji's. He told Oishi he wanted to make love and Oishi said he loved him. He smiled even while crying, thinking of how he tricked him into saying it the first time and how Oishi then said it for real. For real.
Eiji knew Oishi loved him. Knew it. Oishi loved him and him alone. And he loved Oishi back. So why was this happening?
Eiji realized that this must have been how his mom felt all those years ago. But she ran to her lover and not away. No. Oishi had to come for him. He would. He had to.
There was a tree root that had cracked the sidewalk. Eiji in his tears didn't see it and tripped, throwing his hands and knees out just in time. Because he knew how to fall. He rolled after falling, not even feeling it hurt, and got up. He started running again.
Was Oishi just scared? Was making love that scary for Oishi? Because of his past?
Eiji just didn't understand. He knew Oishi inside and out. The only things Oishi were really scared of was his father and losing Eiji. So why would he throw Eiji away? What did Eiji do wrong?
Eiji didn't believe Oishi was telling him the truth. There was no one else. Oishi even said last night he loved only him. Only Eiji.
To Eiji after he promised not to.
Oishi never lied. He never broke promises.
Oishi wasn't even good at it. Didn't he know Eiji really could always tell when he was lying? Eiji saw him lying the entire time. When Eiji, even though upset, went to touch Oishi, to ask him to stay with him, talk to him, be with him, Eiji saw Oishi was barely able to resist. He was barely able to hold back and had to walk away.
The pain of him walking away then, again seared Eiji's heart now remembering.
Eiji slowed down to a fast walk to catch his breath. He had run far. He felt so upset that he felt a little sick. He had no idea where he was. He looked around as he walked, got his bearings, and started running again. Eiji needed to clear his head. He needed to think.
Eiji watched Oishi play the whole time today. He hadn't even been able to talk he was so nervous and in awe of Oishi.
Oishi was beautiful to watch. He moved so fluidly when when he wasn't aware of himself. When he wasn't self-conscious. He had amazing strong legs and arms. His face and eyes were focused on winning and he looked confident and at ease playing, for Eiji, for them. Eiji felt a thrill whenever Oishi's shirt would come up just a little and you could see a peek of his strong muscular stomach and his chest. Eiji was sitting with some girls from their class who were all watching Oishi and admiring him. Eiji kept thinking, ...and he's mine. He loves me and only me.
Then in the locker room, Eiji saw Oishi naked and wanted to, as Oishi said to him, pounce on him. Eiji was elated Oishi won, Oishi was elated too. His back was to Eiji and Eiji knew just where to put his arms around Oishi to make him sigh and moan. When Oishi saw Eiji blushing he knew Eiji wanted him. He knew. They couldn't even speak they were so happy and wanted each other so much earlier. And Oishi invited him over, saying he wanted to. So why?
Oishi said he went to run some errands. Eiji knew they were for them for later. Eiji did that too dragging Fuji with him. He went by his house to get some of his things and then dragged Fuji to a store and then to sushi. Oishi said he bought Eiji a present and wanted him and loved him. So what happened between then and now?
Eiji was at the waterway and had to choose a direction. He decided to run along side it and then run over to the big park by his house. Maybe he could sit on the swings and think. The swings he was on with Oishi. He was crying a little at the memory of that day, at being with Oishi. He started running again, towards the park, trying to force himself to stop crying, and to think.
True Oishi did not go to eat with everyone but he said he had other things to do for their night. He was making plans for them. So what happened?
"Hoi, a hypothetical, Fujiko," Eiji said aloud as he ran and thought the rest to himself. Two guys love each other. Eiji put his hands to his ears thinking of Oishi saying that it was wrong. That what they did was wrong. It was not wrong. It didn't feel wrong. Oishi never thought it was wrong before. So why?
Eiji tried to stop crying as he ran and started again. "Nya. A hypothetical Fuji," And Eiji hoped Oishi was okay. Maybe he had amnesia. Maybe he lost his mind. Maybe he had a disease that made him crazy one minute and in love the next.
Eiji shook his head to clear the thoughts and continued. Two guys love each other. One suddenly stops. Why?
Eiji stopped and almost was sick with the tears that came. Nya no, no, no... he had to stop getting this upset. Fujiko would tell him, Fuji his good friend that loved him, to get out of his emotions, and then Eiji could solve any problem. Any problem. Even sometimes better than Fuji.
He thought of calling Fuji to make sure Oishi was all right, that he didn't have a panic attack, that he could breathe, or that he wasn't hit by a car with a head injury on his way to Fuji's or something. But Oishi had looked fine, just a little upset, a little cold, and a little pale. Stop it! Think!
Hoi, two guys love each other. Now think, Stupid. Eiji turned his head away from the tennis courts where they played as he passed. It was late and no one was there, the lights were even shut off. Eiji didn't think he could take the sound of tennis balls being hit right now. He drank some water from the water fountain and remembered Oishi handing him water last night, first, even though it was Oishi who was thirsty. This can't be happening... Eiji sobbed while drinking, choked, almost threw up, and then swallowed some more water to wash everything down. Eiji could do this. He could. He would do this. Calm down. Calm.
Stay with me Oishi, Eiji thought, stay... and Eiji tried to focus. What had Oishi done after they texted?
Things changed only after Oishi went to play with Tezuka. Tezuka who Fuji thought didn't love him. Who hurt Fujiko's heart. Eiji knew Tezuka really cared though. Since Eiji saw and found out about Fuji and Tezuka some months ago, he watched the two of them around each other closely. Tezuka cared but Eiji thought he didn't know how to love. Not as Fujiko deserved. Tezuka didn't know how to fall. Neither did Fuji but Eiji knew Fuji could at least learn.
Eiji didn't know if Tezuka could. Tezuka always stayed away from Eiji. He disliked Eiji and thought he was stupid, silly, annoying. He never said but Eiji knew. That was how Eiji saw that the people they wanted to be regulars got their shot by placing them in easier blocks. Eiji was never in an easy block so he just had to get better than everyone to get his spot. And he would.
Tezuka, Eiji realized, was a lot like Oishi's father. Withholding love. Eiji wasn't sure why either. Maybe Tezuka was afraid to scare Fuji away not realizing that all Fuji wanted, what he needed, was to be completely loved. It was all anyone ever wanted. Withholding love was very wrong.
Imagine parents never telling a guy as handsome and amazing as Oishi that they loved him. Expecting him to just know. Oishi loved being told he was loved. Eiji knew by how happy it made Oishi every time Eiji told him. Oishi loved being touched. He loved hugs and kisses. He loved them as much as Eiji did. And he loved Eiji. Eiji knew he did.
If Tezuka ever loved and ever told Fuji then they would be happy. It was as simple as that even if Fujiko thought mistakenly that it was complicated. It was only complicated if you made up excuses out of fear.
So Tezuka was the key to what happened with Oishi.
Eiji knew some things Oishi didn't. Oishi fell asleep first last night and Eiji had to hold back another little crying fit as he thought of laying on top of Oishi with Oishi holding him close.
Eiji shook his head to clear it and think again. Last night, Eiji heard sounds and moaning while Oishi slept, quiet moaning but moaning from down the hall. It was Tezuka and Fuji. Eiji was awake first too this morning. He heard Fuji's door open and shut, someone quietly go down the stairs, and leave the house through the front door. Eiji knew it was Tezuka.
He wasn't sure why he never told Oishi about Fuji and Tezuka. Or that Tezuka left early in the morning. Eiji was angry at Tezuka because he should have been there this morning too for Fuji. Eiji watched Fuji all day looking a bit dreamy and happy in the morning but then growing a bit sadder as the day wore on and Tezuka never acknowledged him.
Tezuka never even looked at the tensai. He never met Fuji's eyes. Eiji saw Fuji watch Tezuka for a moment during a match and Fuji blushed. Fuji never blushed. Eiji only saw Tezuka looking at Fuji when Fuji didn't notice. When Fuji played. Eiji saw Tezuka looking again as Fuji walked into the showers. Eiji saw, he was looking at Fuji in that way.
Eiji sat on the swing that Oishi had used, slowly swinging alone and thinking. He picked up his speed, thinking more. Okay so here were the questions; What happened with Oishi and Tezuka? Why would Oishi lie? Why would Oishi hurt him? Where did Oishi find those ugly things to say?
First the ugly things. That they should be with girls. That what they did was wrong. Oishi didn't believe that, not even when he said it. Eiji saw he didn't. It sounded almost like someone else saying them. Someone who didn't love, someone who would never understand, someone like Oishi's father. Eiji put that aside for a minute.
Oishi would only lie if he absolutely had to. Like how he did to his father when he wanted to stay at Seigaku. When he wanted to stay with Eiji.
And he would only lie to Eiji if he thought in some way it would help or protect Eiji. The same went with hurting Eiji. Oishi would never hurt Eiji unless he thought it was for his own good. Like arnica gel and Oishi softly rubbing with his warm, strong hands to make Eiji feel better sooner.
So why would Oishi lie and hurt Eiji for his own good? Eiji didn't know. Unless, until, he put those things with it. Those ugly stupid things Oishi said but didn't believe. That they should be with girls. That what they were doing was wrong, though Oishi didn't believe that either. He then put Oishi's father into it. And if you put the last part together, Tezuka, you almost have a proof that holds up to both inductive and deductive reasoning. Almost.
Eiji was swinging very high, lost in thought. He realized he would have to slow down or he would go around the world again. The last time he did it, a few years ago, he chipped a tooth and his mom was mad. Very mad. But he was lucky it was a baby tooth and the real one grew in fine. Eiji thought of his mom and cried a little bit again. His Mom loved him. Oishi didn't know she knew about him and Oishi. She knew about them and just wanted her son happy and loved.
And then Eiji figured out what Tezuka planted into Oishi's head to make Oishi lie and hurt Eiji. Just as if Tezuka was Oishi's father using control and guilt to manipulate Oishi.
It was so simple and so stupid and only Oishi with his heart wrapped around Eiji would fall for it. That if Oishi really loved Eiji he would let him go to be with girls and be happy. Oishi probably worried that Eiji would hurt his family if they found out. Oishi wouldn't know they knew already. He wouldn't think that way because of his family, because of his father. Probably Tezuka also made Oishi feel bad because if Oishi's father ever found out about him and Eiji it would be very bad. Eiji almost let go of the swing and fell. That was so mean to do to his Oishi!
Eiji realized at once that first, Oishi Shuuichirou loved him. Really loved him. Maybe he even loved Eiji more than Eiji loved him because Eiji didn't think he could let Oishi go even if someone convinced him that it was for Oishi's own good. Oishi would hurt himself with a panic attack to let Eiji go. Oishi would face his biggest fears even if it meant that Oishi was heartbroken. Oishi would be lost without Eiji, Eiji knew this. Oishi loved Eiji so much he loved him enough to let him go when he stupidly thought Eiji would ever be happier without him. Even Eiji, who was nearly fearless, was impressed with Oishi's bravery.
Two Oishi was an idiot for doubting them, but he was Eiji's idiot and Eiji would be damned if Tezuka ripped them apart because Tezuka doesn't know how to love.
Three that Eiji just figured out the parts of Tezuka Fujiko was confused over.
Four it was a good thing for Eiji that Fujiko loved him and was his friend, because Fuji would figure all this out too. Probably faster because Eiji had been upset. If Fujiko had really wanted Oishi from when he kissed him the other day now would be the time for Fujiko to go after him. Oh Oishi wouldn't stay with Fuji but this would be the only chance Fuji had to steal Oishi away ever. After this, Eiji was never going to let Oishi go again.
Five, that Eiji needed to tell Oishi a few things. From Eiji's parents to Tezuka and Fuji, in a discreet way, but Oishi needed to know. Eiji should have told him.
Six, that Eiji loved Oishi still, maybe even more than ever, even though Oishi had been stupid, was a terrible liar, and was mean.
Seven, Eiji loved Oishi with all his heart and Oishi loved him the same way, and that everything was going to be all right.
Just as soon as Oishi found him.
Eiji realized his phone was off and he slowed down swinging to turn it back on. He had turned it off when he started to run away and now he was done running. Now he would wait. It would take a while for Oishi's probable panic attack and a little longer still for Fuji to yell at him but eventually, Oishi would come looking for Eiji. He would because he loved him and he didn't want anything bad to happen to him. Fuji would even help.
Eiji just had to wait. He hoped for a sign. Eiji believed in signs fervently.
Hoi, please Oishi, please come for me. Please find me. Please still love me. Please believe in us. I love you, Oishi. Please, please give me a sign...
Just then someone turned the lights in the tennis courts on. Eiji laughed though tears of relief and joy. It was going to be all right. He even thought of getting off Oishi's swing and going over to see if it was Oishi, but he would wait he thought as he slowed down. He could wait. It of course was Oishi. Eiji felt it in his heart.
Oishi was mean, he had hurt Eiji's feelings, and had to come for him. Too bad there were no monsters around for Oishi to save Eiji from.
And just as Eiji slowed down to a stop, some arms reached from behind him around his neck. A voice said softly "Gotcha!" and put something to Eiji's face. But it wasn't Oishi. It wasn't his Oishi's voice or his arms and Eiji, alarmed, went to struggle. He went to scream, or yell "Stop!" or "No!", and then the ground rose up to meet Eiji as he slipped away.
On to Chapter 39!!