Echizen Ryouma, Secretary of State.  

I asked what you do in this job, and they told me to sit here and type whatever they say.  It's boring and it sucks, but that's what I'm going to do.   My assistant Jiroh is supposed to help me but he's sleeping.  To make things more interesting (for myself), I'll be adding in my own comments on occasion.  But I'm sure as hell not speaking (to them).

I arrived at today's meeting 45 minutes late.  Traffic was bad, and I slept in.  Besides, Antartica is warmer than the air in this room. For the first time, all the cabinet members have actually managed to show up.

The script (started 48 minutes into the meeting): 

Atobe (Governor):  I don't like this one, veto it.

Kabaji (. . .): Usu.

Atobe (Governor):  What's this?  Drug testing for non-athletic students? (briefly contemplates) It's (emphatic pause) girly.  Vetoed.

Kabaji (. . .): Usu.

Momo (Minister of Justice): Atobe!  You're got to do something about this!  Today, this stupid jerk cut me off just as I was about to cut across three lanes and get onto the freeway!  You should make weaving illegal! 

[Secretary's Note: The volume of your voice should be illegal.]

Ohtori (Minister of Internal Affairs): But if we do that, then the cops will be too busy giving out so many more tickets-

(Three people grab their calculators and the room is filled with frantic clicking sounds)

Inui (Minister of Finance): Hm. (eyebrows twitch with surprise)  Even with the drastic increase in ticket revenue, we will maintain 60% of our current deficit.  Also, if we include the fees from medical care and automobile repair services due to accidents caused when drivers can no longer maintain their stress, we will maintain 80%.  Still, a noteworthy solution, though invalid as few cops would actually manage to give the ticket.

Kaido (Minister of Agriculture): Hsss. (angry glare with attempt to intimidate.  I am unaffected.)  That's why morons with pineapples for brains should just sit and sign papers.

Momo (Minister of Justice): What are you implying baka-mamushi! (translates to stupid viper.  a very unoriginal insult, almost in as poor of taste as the pineapples one)

Fuji (Minister of Public Safety): I suggest we raise the speed limit by 15 mph, then ticket people who are going too slow.

Momo (Minister of Justice): Here here!

Jiroh (Assistant Secretary): (snores)

Inui (Minister of Finance): If we do that, our ticket revenue will decrease by nearly 42%.  This we cannot afford.

Kaido (Minister of Agriculture): Hmph.  If that's the only way you guys can think of making money, why don't we just give out more parking tickets?

Momo (Minister of Justice): We already did that, baka-mamushi!  Inui-sempai personally inspected all the ways we could ticket cars for parking, he even reduced the inspection time by twenty minutes!

Kaido (Minister of Agriculture): Then what are your brilliant ideas?!

Atobe (Governor): And this one about expanding Indian Casino Gambling.  Sounds scandalous, and I liked the movie Taal.  Sign it.

Kabaji (. . .): Usu.

(The Pizza deliver boy..boys enter.  Why they need two beats me.  We only ordered 14 pizzas. Delivery Boy A sees the Governor and says he has some advice to give him, then brags that he has two years of college experience.  Delivery Boy B says its a shame Boy A didn't graduate.  I say it's a shame he didn't OD.)

Fuji (Minister of Public Safety): (raises his hand) I have another suggestion to make. (His smile broadens.  Bad omen.)

Ohtori (Minister of Internal Affairs): Oh, Fuji-san, okay, go right ahead-

Momo, Kaido, Myself:  No!  (all said at the same time)

[Secretary's Note: I believe I can handle any sort of dangers that come my way.  But it would be inconvenient if the state I work for entered an apocalyptic state of chaos.]

Jiroh (Assistant Secretary): (snores; goddamnit, why does he sit next to me?)

Atobe (Governor): This one says... Legalize prostitution . . . wait, you mean it's not legal now?!  Shit.  Call my lawyer.

Kabaji (. . .): Usu.

Chotaro (Minister of Internal Affairs): Atobe-san, Mr. Tezuka swore he would never represent you again, or even let you within a 40 yard radius of himself.

Atobe (Governor): Hm.... (not pondering, but smirking. I think he's irritated, but hiding it.)  So Tezuka thinks he can refuse ore-sama's request?

Fuji (Minister of Public Safety): Atobe-san, please let me handle it.  Tezuka will be ready to handle your case by tomorrow morning.

(general shuffle of papers and shifting chairs as ministers mutter quietly to themselves)

Mizuki (Minister of Education): I see it is my turn to take the stage. Fuufuufuu, as I have predicted in my economic scenario, gas prices have reached $10 per gallon.  I suggest we have cal trans shut down several freeway lanes then give them plenty of suggestions on how to inefficiently build new carpool lanes.  Then everyone will be forced to use public transportation, at which time we can inflate bus and subway fees.

Inui (Minister of Finance): Sorry, Mizuki, but we can't make cal trans more pathetic than they already are.

Momo (Minister of Justice): Yeah, this is California, there is no public transportation!

Kaido (Minister of Agriculture): Hsss, Aren't you just too stupid to know how to use it?

Momo (Minister of Justice): Why you!

(He stands and tries to lean over the table to grab at Kaido's shirt, but his foot gets caught on the chair leg and he smashes face down into the pizza on the table.)

Mizuki (Minister of Education): (sniffs arogently, obviously upset by his idea's rejection)  How about this then, we bring in lots of slave labor from Mexico and let them do all our menial work, then pay them off by giving them free drivers license.

Atobe (Governor): Did someone say slaves?  Ah yes, I could always use more of those.

Momo (Minister of Justice): Um, didn't that last guy, Davido or whatever, do that, and it, well...

Saeki (Minister of Health): It's not Davido, it's Davis.  He didn't make bad puns, he made bad choices.

Ohtori (Minister of Internal Affairs): Um... I lived in Japan at the time, so I don't know... what happened to this Davis?

Inui (Minister of Finance): Tarred and feathered.

Momo (Minister of Justice): Oh, I heard he was beaten with a stick, tide in a giant brown bag and shipped to the Red Light District.

Mizuki (Minister of Education): That can't be true, I've never seen him at work.

Fuji (Minister of Public Safety): (chuckles.  everyone shivers but me of course)  One of my...mentors said he took care of him.  First there was a huge messy recall election, then... fuufuufuu, I can't tell you the rest.

Ohtori (Minister of Internal Affairs): Aaa, but now I'm curious.

Momo (Minister of Justice): You don't want to know!

(Two of my former sempais enter the room.  I don't know what they are doing here.  Why aren't they off being lovey dovey and disgustingly sweet like always?)

Kikumaru (Nobody A): Hoi hoi! Oh look look Oishi, Atobe really is working here!  Oh look, it's Fuji and Momo!  And Kaido and Inui and-

Oishi (Nobody B): Eiji!  You can't just come barging in here, this is the-

Kikumaru (Nobody A): OchI

icghety e3 yj7i9 w359 i,ws5 ijw57i8rfgasgey5fyn757ry wt

[Secretary's Note: Sorry.  There was a slight disturbance.  I was temporarily unable to type properly.]

Ohtori (Minister of Internal Affairs): Wait, you're not supposed to be in here!  Neither of you are on the Cabinet!

Kikumaru (Nobody A): Yeah, but we're the most popular coupling, so of course we had to show up!  Yoshikochan loves us, she wrote her first fic about us!

Ibu (Public Opinions Manager & Unofficial Speech Writer): Perhaps the most popular, but that's because you two are the most obvious, being the well-coordinated Golden Pair.  It's not fair at all, since I am always with Akira, but not many people write about us because they would rather see players from Seigaku and everyone knows the most pairable couple in Seigaku is the Golden Pair, as if they didn't get enough screen time already. Next thing you know, Konomi-sensei will 

[Secretary's Note: I'm not writing any more of what he says.  My fingers hurt.  He should be fired.  And his speeches are corny.]

Kikumaru (Nobody A): Oh, so you're making decisions about Cal?  Then I have something to say!

(Oishi-sempai looks worried)

Kikumaru (Nobody A): Look at THIS!  (holds up stack of print-outs; I am too far away to read)  You need to jack up tuition fees again!  Those college girls still have money to buy plushies!

Oishi (Nobody B): Kikumaru, those are fanfiction disclaimers, as far as you know they all got them as gifts-

Inui (Minister of Finance): Hmm.  Unfortunately, tuition fees have already increased by 120% in the last two years.  If we continue, middle class students unable to access financial aid will no longer be able to attend public institutions, and we will actually loose revenue. I suggest that instead, we cut outreach.

Kamio (Minister of Something or Other): Again?!

Mizuki (Minister of Education): Fuufuufuu, Inui (emphatic pause) -san.  I'm afraid you are behind with the times.  Outreach was done away with long ago, now we are focusing on eliminating all academic-oriented clubs.  I've instructed my (second emphatic pause) assistants, placed at strategic locations throughout the UC, calstate and community college systems, to maximize funding for 'cultural' based clubs, especially those with ethnic bias.

Kikumaru (Nobody A): Yeah, but at this rate I won't be able to buy all the winter set plushies! (he pouts, god he's annoying, it's because Oishi-sempai's always spoiling him)  And I still haven't found pink bear Fuji and that's the last color I need to complete my bear Fuji collection! 

Inui (Minister of Finance): Would anybody like to try my new Super Deluxe Electoral Inui Remix juice? I thought it would go well with the pizza.  

(Everyone's face clouds over, except Fuji's which seems to grow more bright.)

[Secretary's Note: This joke is cliché, and not very funny.  And the UC shift is in poor taste.]

Saeki (Minister of Health): Governor Atobe, perhaps you have some ideas?  I was thinking we could broaden insurance to cover inanimate materials such as pens and hair brushes, but it seems it's already been done.

Atobe (Governor): Ah yes, I do.  Fuji, would you like to have sex with me?

(The room falls silent.  Finally.)

Fuji (Minister of Public Safety): Wha-..what?!

Atobe (Governor): What am I saying?  Of course you do.  Anyone would kill to have the chance to sleep with someone as godly as ore-sama.  Why don't we just go over there where the coffee is sitting and begin?  I'm in the mood.

Fuji (Minister of Public Safety): Wha- but- I-

Saeki (Minister of Health): That's not fair, I wanna have sex with Fuji!  I've known him for years, way longer than any of you!

Momo (Minister of Justice): Yeah yeah, just because you're governor doesn't mean you get special privileges!  You gotta share! ... I mean, I'd much rather... with Ech... but Fuji's so pretty, and I mean, it's all good as long as you're happy at the end-

Inui (Minister of - everyone's talking too fast): Hm... not a bad idea.  Perhaps we should all focus on relieving our sexual tensions before making decisions that could improve or destroy the world's fifth largest economy... Kaido -

Kaido: (changing the subject) Why don't we just focus on making same-sex marriage legal?!

Momo: Who cares if it's legal!  We can still fuck!

Ibu: Actually, up until recently in Texas-

[Sec's Note: Argh!  Everyone is talking at once, this is exhausting!]

Jiroh (Assistant Secretary): (stops snoring, finally, thank god) Hm? ... Oh, are they talking about sex?  (perks up)

Oh whoa hey this is Jiroh my partner Echizen just shoved me the typewritter w00t w00t I getta type! Yay isn't this exciting everyone's talking and there's all this dialogue about sex and stuff maybe they're gonna legalize more forms of abortion ? oh okay right scripting stuff that's my job I think I don't know I was sleeping well that redhead kid's whining to his egghead boyfriend that they have to start making out before anyone else and Fuji oh hey it's Fuji I know that guy he's really strong! oh yeah so Fuji looks really pale and Atobe-san is all cool he's like Governor and all why'd he order Kabaji to clear away all the pizza ? oh yeah I guess they're making more room on the table and whoa is Ohtori crying ? something about Shishido-san not being on the cabinet and that eyeless glasses guy is to that bandana guy whoa that's a lotta heat ah wait Echizen's taking the typewriter away hey! 

[Secretary's Note: Sorry about that, my mistake.]

Ibu: but finally the courts repealed it.  So now two men can legally have sex but the other Texans will just lynch and hang whoever gets caught-

Inui: As I was saying, there is a 92% probability that you will enjoy-

Ohtori: ...Shishido-san...sob... (runs out of the room)

Saeki: And even if you get more screen time I'm pretty good looking myself and surely I can match up with the tensai-

Atobe: Kabaji, clear away the idiots as well.

Kabaji: Usu.

Atobe: Oh, but leave alone the ones in the legislature rooms.  I can't have you occupied all day, you know.

Fuji: I- I think- I'll call Tezuka now-

Mizuki: Fuufuufuu, don't think you can escape so easily.  I am expecting a turn as well, you know.

Momo: Baka-mamshi, how dare you ignore me and start making out with-!

An alarm is blaring!  God, who programmed the fire alarm to sound even louder and harsher than all these idiots?!

(Many of the room's occupants cover their ears) 

Kamio: Who pulled the fire alarm?!

Ohtori: (when did he come back?) Um...there was this tall guy with a racket... he kept shouting 'Burning!' so I think one of the secretaries...

Atobe: Fine, then we'll continue this outside. Kabaji. (snaps)

Kabaji: Usu.  (he lifts Fuji - chair and all - and carries him out the door after Atobe)

I believe this is our cue to evacuate.  The other cabinet members are starting to leave.  Kamio and Ibu are holding hands, as are the two Nobodies (why did they even come?) and is Inui... no, I don't want to even look.  I am leaving as well.

[Secretary's Final Note: This whole fic is in poor taste.  Needless to say, it's not my cup of tea.]