Winter Without You
by ruji
Disclaimer: All I own are Fuji plushies.
Winter Without You
I reluctantly got up from the couch, put the book down, and walked over to the heater, turning it up for the fourth time today. It was exceptionally cold today. Perhaps because winter was just a few footsteps away. It was impossible for me to continue reading; my hands were shivering too much to hold the book still. I hesitated for a moment, before finally deciding to go to the room and get my winter clothing out. I had sworn off sweaters since last winter, especially knitted ones. Throughout autumn, I’d survived by just putting on a few more layers under my pullovers. But ultimately, I’m still human, can’t possibly walk around bundled up in blankets can I?
I opened the wardrobe and pulled out a box, which was labeled ‘Winter Clothes’. I dragged it to my bed so that I could get things done more comfortably. I opened the box and slowly retrieved the things in it. Scarves, gloves, hats, earmuffs… and sweaters. Then I stopped, at the only knitted item in the whole box, I had thrown the rest of them away. I stared at it for a while, wondering if I should take it out. My mind was screaming in protest of that idea, afraid. But my hands desperately longed to fell that soft fluffy texture again. In the end, I picked it up. It still felt soft, and it still felt fluffy. It was still as blue as it was last year. I smiled to myself as I looked at the bad handiwork.
/You really aren’t talented in knitting, Kunimitsu…/
You gave it to me as a Christmas gift last year, you hand-knitted it. We both had a good laugh when I put it on. It was too long for me, and one sleeve was longer than the other. But still, I loved it. Among all my sweaters, even branded ones, I loved this one the most.
I brought the sweater closer to my face and pressed it gently against my cheek. It still smelled of you. It smelled of the hands which painstakingly knitted it, and smelled like the body which hugged it while it was on me… most of all, it was a scent that was once a part of my life, a part of me. Memories of you and me flooded into my mind, the memories which I have carefully kept away. Suddenly, the scent seemed to be suffocating. I dropped the sweater almost as if it was on fire. The room seemed to be pressing in on me as those memories ran freely through my mind. This was what I was fearing. Those memories… happy memories they were, but much too painful for me to recall. I shoved the piles of clothing out of my way and dashed out of the room. I badly needed some fresh air, something to cool my brain down, anything! I flung open the door and stepped out of the house… to find ivory flakes descending from the sky. It was already snowing.
I stepped out into the empty garden. There used to be pots of violets and a few bonsai, but I’ve been too busy to pay attention to them, so they eventually withered. The falling snow now generously decorated the overgrown green grass. A chilly breeze washed over me. I rubbed my arms, only to remember that I was wearing a short-sleeved shirt. No wonder it felt so cold. I smiled sadly as I recalled how you used to reprimand me whenever I was outside without a coat or sweater.
“You’re so careless, Syusuke…”
“Forgot your sweater again?”
“What are you doing outside without your coat?”
“You’re always like that, it worries me…”
“Fuji Syusuke, 20 laps now for not wearing a sweater again!”
Of course, you never made me run those laps for real… I’d always just snuggle up in your arms and tell you I’d much prefer a ‘human-sweater’. I used to comment that you nagged even more than Okaasan, or Oishi. But now as I hug myself in this frozen air, I suddenly yearn for someone to nag at me for not wearing a sweater.
I looked up and stared at the tree in the corner. What were left on it were few miserable yellow leaves hanging off its branches. The change of season had caused it to lose its crowning glory of green. But somehow, the bald tree in front of me still looked green. The leaves seemed to sway along with what could have been a summer breeze. And then I saw two familiar figures under the tree, enjoying their afternoon in each other’s embrace. They smiled as they admired the house, their new love-nest. Then the taller, bespectacled man bent down to capture the lips of the other. They shared a loving kiss for quite sometime before breaking apart for some air. And muttering some heartfelt words of love.
“I love you, Syusuke. Till the end of time.”
“I love you with all of my life, Kunimitsu. And in my next life, I’ll still love you. And the next, and the next after next, and the…”
The smaller man was silenced with a kiss.
Right, I never managed to tell you for how long I’d be loving you because you didn’t let me. You kissed me.
I tore my glance away from the tree and looked towards the other corner of the garden. It was empty. Only the snow-covered grass occupied the space there. My chest tightened as I recalled what was there just only last Christmas. It was a snowman. We built a snowman together. It was the first snowman we built together. It had pebbles for its eyes and mouth, a carrot for its nose, and branches for its hands. I even made it wear your spectacles. It was so much fun. You teased me for behaving like a child when I’m already a grown man. I threw a snowball at you. Soon, we were hurling snowballs at each other. Then, you made a really huge snowball, but you didn’t throw it at me. You held it with both hands and presented it to me, asking me to break it apart. I did, and I found the treasure in it. A ring. With both our names carved on it… at that time, you promised to build a snowman with me again the next year.
I stood still in my empty garden, staring at the vacant corner. No snowman. The cold air enveloped my now shaking body. Yet, my face felt hot. My eyes burned. I brought my hand to my face and realized the stream of tears running down my cheeks. My chest hurt. It felt like it was going to explode. I kissed the silver band around my ring finger. More tears poured out from my eyes. It’s been barely a year, and I’m already missing you that badly. I stood alone, shivering, shaking… crying.
I don’t know when the tears ceased falling. I don’t know how long I stood there crying. I slowly bent down and scooped up a handful of snow. I shaped it into a snowball and flung it across the garden angrily. It landed with a nonchalant ‘plop’ and merged with the rest of the snow on the ground. I threw another one, and another one… no matter how many snowballs I threw, it just always merged with the rest of the snow. It was just a pristine mass, it was impossible to tell which bit of snow actually belonged to the snowball I just threw.
Then I broke out laughing, mocking myself. What an uncanny resemblance that had with my life! No matter how hard I tried to put you from my mind, I still ended up thinking about you. I hid your belongings in the attic, I hid all our photographs, I stopped playing tennis, I swore off sweaters, I slogged myself with work 15 hours a day… and yet, I still think of you.
I waited for the snow to get a bit thicker, before I started to build a snowman. It was when my fingers dug into the snow, that I realized that my hands were already numb from the cold. Nonetheless, I managed to build the snowman. All by myself. I sat down beside my new ‘friend’, ignoring the wet snow, or the cold viciously biting my skin, and stared at the house. OUR house.
You left for America to pursue your tennis dreams. You were worried about leaving me alone in this house in Japan, but I told you to go for it. After all, such opportunities don’t come knocking that often. But you never came back. You no longer would, I know. It has been almost a year. A year of hiding and escaping from my memories in hope of forgetting you. But now I realize, I can’t. just like I can’t tell which bit of snow was from my snowball. Maybe, I should start planting violets and bonsais again. Perhaps I should bring out our photos, and start wearing that blue sweater again. Just so that it feels like you’re still by my side. And I can continue loving you, until the end of time.
-Owari-
A/N: -shivers- I hope it made sense… I was in a crappy mood when I got inspired for this fic, and in an even crappier mood when I wrote it. I just had to get it off my chest. And, this is the first time I’m writing something from a character’s POV, so be gentle on me ne? Thanks for bearing with this nonsensical drabble. What happened to Tezuka? It's up to you to decide.
I never cried singing a song, but when I pictured TezuFuji in the settings of the song, I actually cried after the first chorus. Argh, what a crappy mood I must have been in. Anyways, this fic was inspired by a Chinese song, White Wedding, by a Taiwanese singer Peggy Hsu. The rough translations of the song is below.
White Wedding
Today was especially cold
I was thinking winter is coming
Bringing out the sweaters also brought out the memories of you
I remember last winter
You said we would have a white wedding the following year
Before Christmas Eve
Only you and me
A wedding with just the two of us can also be sweet
Close to zero degrees
I forced myself to wear a short-sleeved shirt
It’s so cold I can’t breathe
But I was afraid if I wore a sweater
I would be reminded of you
And realize that winter’s here
My tears are frozen
I can’t tell if it’s because it’s too cold or because of too much hurt
It’s too late, too late to dry-clean my sweaters
The beach is no longer as beautiful as it used to be
Love songs don’t touch my heart anymore
We can no longer step in the waves and count our footprints together
My expired white wedding