Chapter Thirty ~Ohtori~

Warnings: Yaoi, Love, Angst, Fluff, and Lots of Sex. Some kink. You've been warned ;)

Disclaimer: Nope not mine. Still in my dreams. ;)

Ohtori looked over at Hiyoshi who gestured with a nod for him to go. Hiyoshi without saying a word indicated he understood and if it was him asked, he would be over there already, not still looking at Ohtori. Finally Hiyoshi said, "I'll see you when we practice later."

Ohtori smiled, "You can try to return my serve again." Hiyoshi quickly smiled and then wiped it off his face. The coyote he was turned and went to eat without looking again at Ohtori. Hiyoshi did it all in such a way that it looked like Ohtori had planned on eating somewhere else but just stopped by to talk about practicing together later. The coyote trickster was very good. Even Takeo would have been impressed.

Shishido-san had stopped and turned. He waited for Ohtori to catch up. "You've been practicing with him?" Shishido-san said.

Ohtori nodded, "After dinner."

Shishido-san looked intrigued as they sat down with the other sub-regulars. Taki-san moved to sit on Ohtori's other side. Shishido-san said, "Has he returned your serve yet?"

Ohtori smiled and started eating after noticing his senpais already had. "Not yet."

"Who?" Taki-san asked.

"Hiyoshi." Shishido-san said. "Ohtori's been practicing with him at night."

"He any good?" Mukahi-san seated across from them squeaked, "'Cause I hear he's good."

"He's good." Ohtori confirmed.

"I've heard his playing style is rather...unusual." Oshitari-san said. Ohtori now had nearly the entire table's attention. He was a little overwhelmed at all his senpais listening to him at first. He then realized it wasn't him they were so enthralled with, it was him talking about tennis. It was him saying someone in the ranks was good. Someone whom no one else there had played yet.

Ohtori thought about it and thought about how good Hiyoshi was. He wouldn't lie but he could put in a truthful good word for his friend. "I've never seen anything like it." Ohtori realized that might not carry much weight; even though he and Takeo had been a great doubles pair in the lower grades, this was Hyoutei. He was sitting with the best of the best. Ohtori's experience was lacking a lot in comparison. "Hiyoshi's crazy aggressive, he never gives up, not even one point, he's ruthless, and his style is so different it takes a long time to adjust to. Once you think you've got it down, once you think you're comfortable, he comes at you completely different. He's good." Everyone nodded, apparently appeased by Ohtori's assessment.

Shishido-san smiled though and said again to make his point, "But he still hasn't returned your serve..." Ohtori smiled back and shook his head no. Shishido-san in the nicest way possible made Ohtori feel really good. It was a great complement and he said it in front of everyone. Ohtori was thrilled. A few people laughed and the conversation drifted away to the other freshmen.

Ohtori finished up eating and listened. He learned quite a bit just from being around his senpais. When he first started out in music and they discovered he was gifted, that both he and Takeo were, Ohtori loved to be around the advanced students. He felt he learned more from just being near them than if he stayed with people at his own level. He felt again like that now. And while he was thinking about this, he noticed Mukahi-san was staring at him in a thoughtful way. His senpai was sitting directly across from him with his chin resting on his hands and his elbows on the table. He looked cherubic but grinned wickedly. He said, "I really can't take it anymore. I need to know."

Oshitari-san said quietly as if in a warning, "Gaukto..."

Mukahi-san scratched out, "Shut up Yuushi! I'm gonna ask him. I wanna know! If he doesn't want to answer it then he doesn't have to! But I'm gonna ask." he turned back to Ohtori again and smiled an oily smile, "So...how many?"

Ohtori had no idea what he was asking, "How many?"

Mukahi-san looked at him like he was stupid, "Yeah, how many?" He must have seen Ohtori didn't get the question for real. He squeaked out slowly as if Ohtori was mentally impaired, "How...many...people...have...you...had...sex...with? How many?" Ohtori felt his jaw drop wide open and he stared back at him, not believing he was just asked that. In a crowded lunch room. In front of all his senpais. He waited for someone, Taki-san or Shishido-san or someone else to say something but they didn't. Shishido-san on his left seemed to sit up straighter as if he was angry and Taki-san on his right leaned in as if he also wanted to know. Ohtori realized the entire table was again waiting for his response and his face was now bright red. Mukahi-san took his shock for stupidity, "What, are your parents siblings? You know sex, make love, do the nasty, knock boots, screw, fu..." Oshitari-san covered Mukahi-san's mouth.

Oshitari-san said in his soft accented voice, "I do believe that he gets the general idea, Gakuto. That hurts..." Mukahi-san bit him. Hard. Mukahi slowly released his hand from his jaws. Oshitari-san cursed and looked, "I'm bleeding. You...you drew blood." He said it as if he was happy for some strange reason.

"Then don't touch me! You touched me first!" Mukahi-san squawked at him. He turned back to Ohtori, "You wanna know what I think, old man?" He grinned at the term and the shocked effect it had on Ohtori. No one had said it since Shishido-san had that first time. Ohtori had been embarrassed but at hearing Takeo's nickname for him out of someone else's mouth, someone only being mean, Ohtori started to feel angry. Ohtori realized Takeo would have been lying already just to make everyone laugh and like him. He wished Takeo was here now to help get him out of this. That someone would help him.

The only thing that happened was Taki-san quietly said, "No one cares what you think, slut."

But Mukahi-san ignored Taki-san completely except for giving him a little laugh, "Ha! I think it can go either way. I think your numbers are either really low like one or two or really, really high like twenty or thirty or more because I don't..."

Shishido-san said in almost a low growl, "That's enough."

Mukahi-san ignored him. "Because I don't think you're as innocent as you look. I think..."

Shishido-san said almost snarling, "Shut up Gakuto."

Mukahi-san wasn't going to, "I think..."

Ohtori was, for the first time in as long as he could remember, very angry. And very cold. "All right, I'll tell you." He felt everyone but Shishido-san lean in. "My numbers are really low. Zero. I've never..."

"You LIE!" Mukahi-san said. "I know you're lying!" Everyone threw Mukahi-san a look for some reason.

"I'm not lying." Ohtori said confused. He was telling the truth and felt very angry. "I've never had sex."

Mukahi-san smiled an evil smirk as if he caught Ohtori in a lie the same way people would catch Takeo lying sometimes, "With a girl!" he leaned in and harshly whispered, "But what about sex with a guy?"

"I've never had sex with anyone. Not a girl and not a guy. No one. Ever." Ohtori was now completely offended and figured being honest was the only way out of this. He would have had a better time at lunch at the freshman table where everyone but Hiyoshi hated him. Ohtori was the angriest he had been in as long as he could remember. He fought to stay in control of a cold rage that swelled inside him, "Is there anything else you would like to ask me senpai? Because I'll tell you whatever you want to know." The two of them locked gazes for a moment. Ohtori dared him to ask because right then he would have told him everything. Everything. Arata, Takeo, everything. He would tell Mukahi-san whatever he asked and even would give him all the gory details. Right down to first aid during a seizure and what a gunshot sounds like late at night. All of it. Ohtori would have dumped it all out. Everything. To hell with the consequences and all this mean, cold, uncaring person who thought he was being so funny had to do was ask. Mukahi-san must have seen something in Ohtori's eyes, something he didn't like, because he surprisingly looked away first. Ohtori was almost disappointed as he tried to swallow his anger and control himself.

Akutagawa-san broke the uncomfortable silence by standing up and yawning. "Gakuto, sometimes you're really an idiot. Don't pay him any attention Ohtori. He gets off on information and yours was probably incomplete."

Atobe-san was standing behind Ohtori suddenly. "Gakuto, you asked, he answered, its finished."

Akutagawa-san came over and ruffled Ohtori's hair. "Zero, huh? I think it's sweet." He yawned again.

"It is." Atobe-san said and touched Ohtori's shoulder in a strange gesture of public support before walking away with Akutagawa-san.

Taki-san said sneering, "You'd better watch it slut, you just made Atobe mad."

"Shut up you...wha...!" Mukahi-san squeaked as Oshitari-san picked him up to a standing position and started trying to pull him away.

Mukahi-san ignored Oshitari-san and shook off his grip on his arm. He turned and confronted Taki-san, "Please! Atobe isn't mad, its just been a while since he had a virgin, right?" Mukahi-san looked straight at Shishido-san for some reason.

"And how long has it been since you were one?" Shishido-san still snarling threw quietly back at Mukahi-san. Several people made low oohs and aahs at the comeback and even more laughed at Mukahi-san.

Mukahi-san looked livid and the color drained from his face making his bowl cut bright red hair stand out even more. "You..." He said in a much lower gravelly squawk than normal.

Oshitari-san was still trying to drag Mukahi-san away. He said, "Thanks to your razor sharp teeth I now have to visit the nurse. You're coming with me, Gakuto."

Taki-san said loudly, still smiling, "Now Shishido, you know that slut has been used and abused since the day he was born. It's all he's good for. How old were you your first time slut? Four? Five? Or is that just how many people used you your first time?"

Mukahi-san froze. He stood there shocked as if he had been physically struck. Taki-san had quite clearly hit a very painful mark. Ohtori was also stunned by how ugly all this was. It was terrible how these sharks circled each other and tried to bite each other simply because there was no other food for them to attack handy. They would probably even call it fun.

Oshitari-san put his hand on Mukahi-san's shoulder and whispered something in his ear. Mukahi-san had just before looked like he would physically go after Taki-san. Ohtori thought he would have to hold Taki-san back. And maybe even Shishido-san would need to help hold Taki-san back because he also looked so furious that there was going to be a fight. Then Mukahi-san visibly relaxed. He suddenly laughed as if Oshitari-san had whispered to him the funniest thing he had ever heard. Mukahi-san kicked Oshitari-san in the shin still laughing, "Shut up Yuushi! And don't touch me! You touched me first again!" But the two left together with a smiling Oshitari-san holding his bleeding hand and limping away while Mukahi-san cackled in laughter.

A few others drifted away and the ones that were left were quiet a moment. Ohtori knew the entire conversation would be carried through the school by the time he got to his next class. Whispered from student to student spreading filthier than an oil slick and faster than a grease fire.

"Is it because of this?" Taki-san seemed calmer now that Mukahi-san left and pointed at Ohtori. Ohtori wasn't sure what he meant. "Because of god? Not having sex I mean?"

Ohtori laughed a little in surprise and realized Taki-san had pointed at Takeo's cross, "No...this was...a friend's. I just...like it." He absently touched the heavy now slightly warm cross with his fingers and shrugged, "I don't believe in god." He and his suite mates stood to throw their trash away so Kabaji-san didn't have to throw theirs away with Atobe-san's.

"Y...you don't? Not at all?" Taki-san sounded more astonished at this than at him saying he had never had sex.

"No. I don't. Not anymore." Ohtori said. Taki-san headed towards his next class after saying goodbye but Shishido-san hung back. He looked very concerned at Ohtori and as if he was worried about him.

"Are you all right?" Shishido-san said.

Ohtori normally replied fine whenever anyone asked this. He always did it automatically without thinking about it, but the way Shishido-san asked him seemed to be deeper than a surface question. It was as if Shishido-san really wanted to know and really cared, so Ohtori thought about the question for a moment. He deeply thought about it in light of Takeo and Hyoutei and everything. Kindly, Shishido-san waited patiently for his answer. "Yes, I'm okay Shishido-san. Thank you."

Shishido-san looked like he was going to say something more but he didn't. He shrugged. "See you at practice then." Ohtori said goodbye and then went to class. He wondered during the rest of his classes what it could have been that Shishido-san wanted to say. Maybe that Ohtori should toughen up or should not let people intimidate him, though that sounded like something Hiyoshi would have said. Maybe that he should laugh the whole thing off and everyone would like him but that sounded like something that Takeo would say. Ohtori didn't know what Shishido-san would say and really wanted to.

Afternoon practice went fine although things at Hyoutei were strange for Ohtori to adapt to. He thought that there would be more talk or a fight or people saying sorry, but instead there was nothing. Everyone talked about other things and acted like nothing had happened. It was as if lunch never happened. There was no evidence other than Oshitari-san had a bandage on his hand. Luckily it was the opposite hand he held his racket with. Mukahi-san walked up to Ohtori in front of everyone and asked Ohtori to warm up with him. Ohtori didn't want to but he was still a senpai so he agreed. Halfway through warming up Mukahi-san said in a softer squeak, "Sorry if I made you mad. I do that to all the new guys. You're new. S'nothing personal." He shrugged and rolled his eyes.

"Why?" Ohtori asked, stunned and wanting to understand.

Now Mukahi-san smiled, "Because it's getting information. Knowledge is power Ohtori. I know everything about everyone. Go on, ask me anything. Anything about anyone. Want to know who Atobe last dated? Shishido? Taki? Want to know any of their grade point averages? How many family members they have? Addresses? Phone numbers? Nicknames? What their moms called them when they were little? Their birthdays? Food allergies? Birth order? Blood type? Favorite number? Favorite color? First person they dated? First person they had sex with? The name of their family pet? Go on, ask me anything!"

Ohtori shrugged as so much was laid at his feet. If he could ask anything he would ask the people directly. Still his senpai was waiting for an answer. So he said, "I really don't know anything about anyone. Why don't you tell me whatever you think I should know, senpai?"

Mukahi-san gleamed he was so thrilled. "Really? You don't know anything? About anyone?" Ohtori nodded, "And you'll listen?" Ohtori nodded and suddenly understood that someone to listen more than anything was what his senpai wanted.

Ohtori smiled, "I will. Tell me everything Mukahi-san. Please?"

Mukahi-san thought a moment, "Okay but it's going to take a long time for everything. You'd better just call me Gakuto like everyone else." They were done warming up and started running with everyone else.

"Gakuto-san."

"No, just Gakuto like I told you to do or I'm not gonna tell you anything."

"Gakuto."

"Right. Lets start at the top and work our way down. Atobe Keigo..."

For the next several hours Gakuto glued himself to Ohtori and shocked the hell out of him. He opened up a little glimpse into Pandora's box and then when he was done dishing dirt and dirty secrets on all the regulars and sub-regulars, he smiled. "Now you know the basics. You want any more information about anyone, you just come to me, but it will cost you. I know everything about everyone." He smiled as if very pleased with himself.

He gave Ohtori a long appraising look. "You know, you're pretty cute and you've got a nice body. You ever want to end that virgin thing and have some fun you let me know. I prefer to be the uke but I'm also damn good as seme." He laughed, winked, and skipped away. He only paused a moment to walk the long way around Oshitari-san who seemed unable to take his eyes off Gakuto. Ohtori didn't have a clue what the words meant and Gakuto had used them so many times to describe the various supposed couples together and broken up.

Ohtori had tried to listen to the overflow of free information but one thing stuck in his head and he could not get his mind wrapped around it. He heard it over and over in Gakuto's squeaky voice. That voice Ohtori thought in an aside to himself was squeaky from over-use either singing or screaming and not from his voice changing as he told people. Ohtori didn't want to think about what could make his senpai scream and scream until he lost his voice constantly. Not in light of all the new information he just was handed. Ohtori also just realized that Gakuto had talked about everyone else but himself.

Gakuto had squeaked... "And you know already about Atobe and Shishido being lovers right? You didn't know! Really?" He cackled in glee, "Now, I know what you're thinking, Shishido's straight, right? And its true he's always dated only girls in the past and lots of them. But...Atobe pursued him hard. Really hard. He wanted him bad and got him. They were together for a long time. Then they weren't because Atobe slept with someone else, cheated on him, but no one knows if they're together or not now. Atobe is sleeping with Jiroh but they're more like sex friends, you know?" Ohtori didn't but he nodded anyway. Gakuto looked over at Atobe and Ohtori followed his gaze, "Look at how he still looks at Shishido. See? All the time too. Something is still going on. No way Shishido could resist if Atobe was after him again. No one knows for sure though. Not even me. Everyone wants to know too. Hey, if you find out anything I'll pay you really well, we can work a deal out, okay?"

Ohtori went to dinner and sat with his senpais again at Shishido-san's urging. It was like he wanted Ohtori to sit with them to show everyone Ohtori wasn't backing down or upset at all. Nothing unusual happened although now everyone seemed intent on making fun of Chikabayashi-san because his girlfriend, his little sister, kept giving him poorly hand knit sweaters and winter scarves. She was crying earlier in the day because he wouldn't wear any when it was still very warm outside. The talk went to if she knew how to knit handcuffs and went raunchier after that. It was funny but more jokes that Takeo would like than Ohtori. Plus Ohtori had a wealth of information still to process.

He didn't find out what Shishido-san wanted to say to him after lunch until later when Shishido-san was going over things with him. Taki-san was in their bedroom on the phone where he could usually be found chatting for hours every evening. Ohtori was writing down things he needed to know, dates, stats, and previous club member's names all the way from Hyoutei's inception when Shishido-san said quietly, "I'm sorry."

Ohtori looked over at him confused.

Shishido-san flashed a look of upset for an instant and said, "I should have made Gakuto shut up much sooner when he started in with you. He doesn't listen to me, he doesn't listen to anyone but Atobe, but I still should have earlier. I'm sorry Ohtori." He repeated and his look flashed that he was annoyed.

All Ohtori could think of is whether or not Shishido-san was Atobe-san's lover. Still. Ohtori strained to listen to some tell-tale inflection in Shishido-san's voice when he said Atobe-san's name. Some hint of love or emotion or of a broken heart or anything. Ohtori wondered if Shishido-san kissed Atobe-san with his lips. Touched him with his hands. To his surprise, Ohtori found he was terribly jealous. He had never felt jealous before, not like this. Not even this bad when the girl he liked dated another guy he played tennis with in his old school because Takeo wouldn't let Ohtori ask her out. Maybe Takeo kept him from feeling so jealous because Ohtori if nothing else knew he always had him. Ohtori fought to stay in control of his emotions so he didn't blurt out all these new and inappropriate questions to Shishido-san. Ohtori needed to seriously think things over.

Then he realized it didn't matter. It didn't matter who Shishido-san was with or is with or was not with. It didn't change one thing about Ohtori being Shishido-san's friend. Ohtori mentally kicked himself. Here Shishido-san was responding to his first stroke, being really nice as always, and Ohtori was the one being a jerk and feeling jealous when he had no reason or right to be. He decided to correct this immediately. Ohtori smiled, "Shishido-san, I don't think anyone can keep Gakuto quiet when he decides he wants to talk. And you really did help. In the most important ways. You asked if I was okay and you made sure I went back for dinner so everyone knew it didn't bother me. Thank you."

Shishido-san didn't look convinced. "I heard Gakuto apologize to you." Ohtori nodded. "What else did he talk with you about?" Ohtori saw worry flash over Shishido-san's face. Ohtori realized that Shishido-san must know people talk about him all the time.

"Gossip." Ohtori said and made a face to show him that he didn't value what he was told. Ohtori decided he didn't value it because it didn't matter one thing to his being Shishido-san's friend. "Just gossip Shishido-san."

"Don't believe everything you hear. Especially from Gakuto. Everything he does is calculated." Shishido-san still looked wary as if he expected Ohtori to somehow turn against him now. As if Ohtori heard bad things and now wouldn't like him anymore. It made Ohtori want to be his friend more than ever.

Ohtori nodded solemnly and then smiled warmly, "Thank you again Shishido-san." It was early for a second stroke but all Ohtori's instincts said Shishido-san needed it right now. He needed for some reason to know that he didn't let Ohtori down or fail him. Which was ridiculous. Shishido-san didn't have to protect Ohtori from Gakuto's words. That wasn't his job. Ohtori realized then how seriously and personally Shishido-san took his job of being Ohtori's sponsor. Ohtori liked him even better right then. Shishido-san he realized was as good inside as he was attractive outside. The rare kind of person Ohtori always liked and was always attracted to. The tough guy in the movie who you think is bad but who turns out to really be the hero with a really big heart.

Shishido-san visibly relaxed a little and then said, "We're all done here. Would you like some water?"

"Please." Ohtori said and brought his papers to his room. Taki-san was in there still on the phone so Ohtori went out quietly. He took the offered glass of water from Shishido-san's hand and thanked him. Ohtori sat on the couch a little down from him and watched the sports news Shishido-san turned on. He asked Ohtori if that show was okay and Ohtori nodded.

Ohtori then noticed something. When he sat right where he was, he could see Shishido-san reflected in the television clearly as if it was a mirror. He could watch Shishido-san watching television and Shishido-san wouldn't know or feel uncomfortable. Shishido-san finished his water and Ohtori got to watch his throat move as he drank. Ohtori smiled a little because he was thrilled with his discovery, but there was a funny commercial on so that was good. Shishido-san set his empty glass down on the table and then went to put his feet up on the couch. He looked at Ohtori first as if asking him if it was okay. Ohtori nodded and watched him in the television lay down and throw his long silky hair back out of his face in a gesture that Ohtori realized was a little habit for his senpai.

Ohtori wondered if Shishido-san was tired because he didn't seem to sleep very much. He did drink a lot of coffee though but not later in the day. Ohtori didn't really care for coffee. He always found the taste too bitter and acidic but he really liked the way coffee smelled. Ohtori watched the clock. His goal was to sit here for twelve minutes in comfortable silence unless Shishido-san spoke. Ohtori did this with cats and it always worked well. Twelve minutes sitting companionably near and if the cat made no move then you go about your business. Plus Ohtori could just watch Shishido-san watch television reflected in the screen which was nice.

Ohtori thought more about what Gakuto said. Maybe Shishido-san and Atobe-san had been lovers but Ohtori was fairly certain they weren't now. Shishido-san was alone too much to have a lover. He spent his time at school, tennis, or home alone. He rarely went out, almost never got phone calls, and if he had a lover, even one in secret who was with someone else, there would be at least some slight indication, wouldn't there? Ohtori lived with him and so far there wasn't any. If anything Shishido-san seemed to Ohtori to be a little lonely. Maybe he missed Atobe-san and that was why he couldn't sleep. Right after Takeo died Ohtori couldn't sleep for days and days. He thought about how losing someone you loved was really terrible but what about when you broke up with someone you loved? Or when they broke up with you to see someone else? Or when they cheated on you? When it was over and there was no way to get that person back? When you had to see the person who broke your heart every day laughing and living their life now without you, it must be in a way even worse. Ohtori's twelve minutes were up so he finished his water, took Shishido-san's glass and asked him if he wanted any more. He didn't so Ohtori returned the glasses to the kitchen, and then got ready for bed.

"Good night Shishido-san." Ohtori said warmly when he was done. All in all it had been a good and interesting day. "Sleep well."

Ohtori noticed a flash of annoyance over Shishido-san's face. He didn't like to be told to sleep well. Maybe because he didn't sleep very much. Ohtori made a mental note of that. "Good night Ohtori. Sleep well." He said and then smiled. Warmly. A smile Ohtori had not seen him use before. Ohtori kept a mental image of that really nice smile with him in his head like a photograph. He went to his bedroom but didn't plan to go to sleep right away. He went online instead because he wanted to look up those things Gakuto kept saying. It took a while for Ohtori to find them because he didn't know where to begin to look. At first he found nothing. Then he did. He also looked at some online examples of very graphic guy on guy manga. Ohtori knew from Takeo basically where things went and yes, a long time ago they had seen the porn videos and those magazines, but to see it drawn and to think about actually doing things like that was...surreal. Shocking. Ohtori realized he never really thought about it even with Takeo in any realistic way.

Ohtori tried to wrap his brain around the terms and the act as he heard Taki-san getting off the phone. He quickly cleaned his history, his cache, and shut his laptop down. Taki-san was off the phone and looked at him to ask him what he was doing. "My sister emailed me." Ohtori lied very quickly and well. Takeo would have been impressed.

Ohtori's brain was now filled with images and questions but he knew not to ask Taki-san. Who according to Gakuto was an uke. Ohtori tried not to look at Taki-san the fox as anything but his friend. He didn't want to see him in a sex way or wonder about him like that at all. Taki-san wanted to chat but Ohtori said he was tired. Ohtori said good night to Taki-san, lay down, and thought about things. Ohtori decided to start by keeping it simple.

He started by thinking of doing those things with someone he had done other things with. If Takeo had lived and they had done it who he wondered would have been the uke? Would they have both switched off? Did people do that? Switch? Being the uke and doing it there didn't sound like a very pleasant thing to do and yet, Gakuto said he preferred to do that so it must not be as terrible or painful as it looked. It had to feel good right? Then he thought about Gakuto's voice hoarse all the time from constantly screaming and he worried. The uke was the submissive and Gakuto had whispered to him that Shishido-san with Atobe-san was the uke. Ohtori could not see Shishido-san doing that or doing those things. In fact, when Ohtori tried to think of Shishido-san sexually all he thought about was kissing him and touching him. Maybe touching each other and coming together like he and Takeo used to. Ohtori suddenly had a flood of those images of him and Shishido-san doing just that fill his head. He tried to not think about it and failed miserably. Just thinking of Shishido-san coming with Ohtori like he and Takeo did had him extremely hard again. He wished he didn't have a roommate right now. Ohtori had not touched himself once since he had been to Hyoutei and now it was painful.

Ohtori wondered which one he was to try to get the very sexy Shishido-san and him kissing and coming together thoughts out of his head. If Taki-san really liked Ohtori as he seemed to and wanted to do those things with Ohtori, did Taki-san think Ohtori was the seme? But Gakuto said he was a good seme but preferred being the uke. So people could be both? Do both? Did Gakuto think Ohtori was the uke? He had no idea and realized that he would have to go back online later and look it all up again. He thought about him and Takeo again. Ohtori was the one usually holding back. They never really went any farther than kissing and coming together because Ohtori always stopped Takeo when he wanted to do other things. Ohtori was kind of submissive until Takeo got sick and then Ohtori was very physical, but more in an affectionate way because Takeo needed him. Ohtori had no idea what that meant in terms of who was what with whom.

His mind reeled. He thought again without meaning to of Shishido-san kissing him and touching him. Then he wondered if they were doing that and Shishido-san wanted to would Ohtori let him? Or would he want Ohtori to with him? He thought of couples Gakuto had pointed out and overwhelmingly the bigger and taller guy always seemed to be the seme. Was there a reason for this? He was bigger than Takeo but he had been more submissive to him in a way. Wasn't that because Ohtori loved him but wasn't in love with him? He was bigger than Shishido-san. Would it have to be that way? What happened if two strong guys were neither submissive and both around the same size. Who decided? Ohtori was throbbing hard and terribly confused. There was no way he could fall asleep like this and he needed to rest.

He made sure his shirt was covering him and stood up. Taki-san was almost asleep and murmured a sleepy question as to where Ohtori was going. Ohtori told him annoyed the pills were making him have to pee again and Taki-san laughed and rolled over. Ohtori quickly walked past Shishido-san who was still laying on the couch watching television. Ohtori couldn't even look at him he was so embarrassed. We went in the washroom and closed the door. He quietly locked it. He opened the door where the toilet was in its own little room in case anyone was listening and ran the water in the sink. He had not done this in a long time he realized suddenly. Since Takeo died, no even before Takeo died when he was just very sick. Ohtori had not done this in a very long time. Ohtori had a while ago decided the dream night when Takeo died was a special beautiful dream both of them somehow shared and it didn't count. He then also realized that not only had he not done this in a very long time, he could not recall the last time he had done this to himself alone. Takeo had almost always been there and done it with him.

Ohtori was suddenly frustrated and felt like crying. He missed Takeo so much right then and hated that he needed someone to talk to about all of this and there was no one there. He hated it. It felt in a little way like he was betraying Takeo even thinking about these things let alone doing anything which was silly because Takeo knew when he made him swear not to follow him that Ohtori wouldn't be celibate for the rest of his life, didn't he? He said he wanted Ohtori to be happy. Not that he felt happy. All Ohtori felt now was very alone. Those feelings of being all alone in a strange place were back and Ohtori felt overwhelmed again.

He wiped stinging tears out of his eyes because he refused to cry. Not over something stupid like this. But he couldn't help but want someone to just hold him for a little while. Just a little while. Maybe someone could care a little bit about him. Maybe kiss him a few times and tell him it would be all right. Was that really so much to want? As he thought that, Ohtori broke and silently cried again for the first time in a while. He was angry at himself for feeling sorry for himself and for crying so he cried a little harder. He curled up a little on the floor and tried to talk to Takeo in his head who was strangely silent. Ohtori eventually stopped crying and realized he had to get through this on his own. He couldn't stay crippled like this. He was a guy and doing this was completely normal.

He remembered when Takeo was away how Ohtori used to do this picturing him being with him. But Takeo felt so far away and so distant that it hurt to even think of being with him. He was dead. He never would be with him again. Sometimes Ohtori would do this and think of a very pretty girl in school he liked or sometimes even a beautiful guy. He couldn't think of a single girl he really liked here so Ohtori tried to make it Shishido-san. He was the most attractive person Ohtori had ever seen after all and he was very nice. Ohtori closed his eyes and made up a little fantasy of Shishido-san coming to the door and asking if he was all right. Of Ohtori crying like he was doing now and telling him everything. Of Shishido-san putting his arms around him and holding him. Kissing him and telling him it would be okay. Of Shishido-san telling him he wasn't with Atobe-san anymore and that he liked Ohtori. Ohtori had to stop there and rewind that.

There was no way that would ever happen. It didn't even seem possible, not even in Ohtori's fantasy. So he instead went back to before and pictured Shishido-san kissing him again. Just kissing him and holding him close. And then maybe touching him here, like this, soft with his hand like that, and maybe kissing him and moving with him and maybe Ohtori could touch him too. Could make Shishido-san feel good too as he kissed him back and touched him back. Ohtori could kiss his lips and feel his tongue and his hands on him and maybe Shishido-san could feel really good and whisper "Choutarou..." and Ohtori could feel really good too, could feel so good from the way Shishido-san was touching him and kissing him, and Ohtori could very quietly whisper back to him barely making any sound, "Ryoh..." as he came.

Ohtori opened his eyes after a moment and realized that he was alone and more importantly he came. He was breathing a little hard and smiled. "Thank you." He whispered very, very quietly but wasn't sure if it was to Takeo, Shishido-san, or himself he said it to. He felt much, much better about himself and everything. So much better he almost cried again because he was so relieved and now so tired. But he felt better. He could be strong again. Everything somehow, even without Takeo, everything would be all right. Ohtori stood and cleaned himself up. He took his time because as silly as it all seemed he felt like celebrating. But what he really wanted to do immediately was sleep. He was exhausted.

He paused in the kitchen and got some water because he was thirsty again from the stupid pills. He had an urge to not even look at Shishido-san who was still on the couch because Ohtori felt so embarrassed. It was almost as if Shishido-san might somehow look at him and know what Ohtori just did. Then Ohtori thought that might even be weirder if he avoided him. So he didn't. Shishido-san had just helped him again and he didn't even know it. He would never ever know it. Ohtori smiled, "Good night Shishido-san."

"You all right?" Shishido-san asked him. He must have been in the bathroom a while. Ohtori smiled a little although he was now completely mortified, blushing, and nodded. He thought to himself that next time he would really have to be faster. He smiled more knowing there would be a next time and that he was okay. Shishido-san stretched cat-like again and was apparently satisfied he was okay. He said, "Good night."

Ohtori went to bed. Taki-san stirred and asked Ohtori where he had been all that time. It was the way Taki-san had asked him the question as if he knew where Ohtori had been and what he had been doing that made Ohtori lie. Ohtori lied and said the pills were bothering his stomach. Ohtori felt better lying than admitting what he had just done--ever. Taki-san looked surprised, said the pills could sometimes do that, and as he yawned he said for Ohtori to let him know if he didn't feel well later.

Ohtori curled up in his own bed and smiled. It was going to be okay.

He soon fell asleep.