Shishido Ryoh was upset. The problem was he was not sure who he was upset with. Or possibly he figured he was upset with the whole world and everyone which was even worse.

He knew he was first upset with that kid. He was a big kid, big for his age so he seemed older in a way and yet younger at the same time in an innocent, gullible kind of way. He had the strangest silver hair. Like an old man would have. Strange. Especially when combined with his open face. He looked all around interested in everything and everyone wearing awed and unassuming genuine smile. The kid seemed to have no self-awareness, no ability to protect himself, and no sense of pride.

Instead he had this boyishly cute and honest face that combined with his comfortable and relaxed body posture made him seem so inexperienced and...just annoyingly innocent in a naive farm boy way. He seemed a gullible, innocent little boy in a much older guy's body. The kind of kid that would be eaten alive at Hyoutei. Eaten alive and spit back out before he knew what hit him. Shishido sarcastically thought to himself that if you give the kid a year, just one year at Hyoutei would be all it would take before that wide smile on the kid's friendly face would turn into the familiar guarded look masked with the usual Hyoutei sneering smirk of superiority. His hair would be expertly colored and cut. His clothes which looked haphazard would be creased to perfection. One year and he would look like everyone else.

If the kid was as good as Atobe seemed to think he was it would take one year to turn the kid into another Atobe clone and drone. Maybe less if the kid was as dumb as he looked. He knew he was not alone in thinking this. Shishido heard Mukahi, whose voice was still awkwardly changing, squeak something to the effect of where in the hell had Atobe farmed this dumb hick kid from. Everyone laughed. So Shishido knew it was not just him prejudging the kid because Atobe liked him. Although the kid would have an easier time at Hyoutei if Atobe didn't so obviously like him. That way the kid could have made it up here on his own like almost everyone else by his skills and charm instead of Atobe liking his serve and smile. That way the kid wouldn't have been so instantly detested by every other Hyoutei member.

Hated but protected for now because Atobe liked him. If though Atobe decided as was often his way that he didn't like the kid, the guy may as well leave right then. The kid would be hazed to no end and eventually forced to leave the school. He had no future at Hyoutei if Atobe, like Apollo the sun god he thought he was, stopped smiling at him.The kid's new rivals, the entire tennis club that saw him walking with Atobe,would attack unmercifully.

Shishido knew this well. Because he was barely surviving and living in fear after Atobe stopped smiling at him. Shishido'd had it worse than this kid too. Because what no one knew is he had lost his heart to Atobe.

More than that. Because of love, he had lost himself. He had allowed Atobe to treat him terribly. He had done things...actually they had done things together that Shishido didn't like to even think of anymore, let alone remember, except late at night, relatively safe within the dark confines of his room and under his sheets. When Atobe smiled at you it was so powerful it was as if you couldn't breathe. Shishido had hung on to his heart and his pride by his very fingernails. By strength of his will alone once he had learned that Atobe could never love anyone as much as he loved himself. He would never be faithful. He would never give to someone else before himself no matter how much he cared for them. Yet Atobe required that the person he loved give everything to him and accept the crumbs he lobbed back over his shoulder while looking ahead to his next conquest. When you loved Atobe you walked around constantly hungry, terribly needy of his time and attention, never quite feeling secure, never quite feeling loved in return, and constantly yearning for something you would never have.

Atobe's heart. Because Atobe was already in love with himself. He was his own biggest fan. It was such a characteristic trait of him that it was almost a redeeming quality about who he was as much as it was his Achilles heel.

Shishido had never expected to fall in love. Not with anyone. Especially not with a guy. Especially not with a guy like him. Atobe represented and embodied everything he hated about the privileged upper class society he lived in and was never quite a part of. His father had attended Hyoutei on a scholarship and fell in love with his wealthy society mother there. They eloped. Her family was furious but tried to get him a job with one of the many companies they owned. His father politely declined. His father instead became and was just a school teacher. They were happy. Yes, his parents loved each other deeply. Yes, it was a fairytale romance.

But it came at their children's expense. His older brother had learned to live with disappointment. Their family was wealthy on the surface from his mother's money. She rarely ever used it and when she did in an emergency of a bill needing to be paid, his father never knew. His father worked for everything they had. His mother who grew up with servants to do everything for her never once seemed to mind in the least having to do their housework, the cooking, everything herself by hand. His father seemed content with working and what little they had, not even wondering what they might have had if only he had a little more ambition.

They were considered very unusual in the upper class and Shishido knew that when his mother's old friends discussed her it was with pity and disdain for her and her circumstances. His mother was born of old money. He found out quite by accident when his mother needed to make ends meet one tight month that she had all this money and just never used it. His parents he found out never had to struggle as they did to make ends meet but they did because they chose to. It was disgusting and confusing to Shishido. He never understood the farce they put on. And at the same time, they sent their children to the best schools and the best lessons to allow them to get ahead. He and his brother had the right education, they had the right tutors, they had the money but they did not have the right last name. His mother did but because of his father's working status and how poor they lived, they were considered neuvo riche. And tres gauche. His mother's old friends would have nothing to do with them and nether would any of his mother's friends children.

Then there were his cousins. His mother's sister's kids. They were two spoiled brats given everything Shishido and his brother were not. Luxury, status, power, all handed to them because of who they were born from. They had nothing to do with his family except once when his aunt's husband lost a ton of money in some investment, he saw his aunt go to his mother and borrow money from her.

Still, she and her kids pretended like nothing had ever happened. They lived on his mother's borrowed money and they still sneered at them. Sneered at Shishido from a young age and excluded him even though they had all attended the same upper crust schools. Shishido's older brother had accepted their parents status and shame of being always an outsider, but Shishido refused to. When they were picked on, Shishido alone fought back. When they were excluded, he tried harder to be the best at school and at sports to make everyone have to accept him. He would still be turned down by teachers and coaches and have to watch as the "right" children, right parental lineage, right status, right backgrounds were chosen over him for everything from team sports to class assignments. Shishido would like a girl only to be rejected once she found out who he was. Who his father was. He had learned to harden his heart, fight back against this unfairness whenever possible, and to never let them see his hurt or feelings of unworthiness.

So from long practice of shielding his feelings, he never let Atobe see how much he hurt him. Or how much Shishido really loved and cared for him. He let his hurt feelings fester until there was nothing but anger left. After a while, a long while, all he wanted was out. But for the first time in his life, Shishido had been afraid. At Atobe's side, as his pet, he had a status no one else had. It shamed him to know that and want it but after fighting his entire life, he wanted to stay where he was in a way. He was scared to lose his status. As false and mortifying as it was.

Plus he knew losing Atobe's favor was dangerous. Physically dangerous. After being treated well by everyone around him, mostly false he knew but still treated well, Shishido knew that if Atobe turned on him it would be open season on Shishido. He truly found he was too tired of fighting all the time to go back to the way things were before. It was easier to accept Atobe's poor treatment and wish things were different. Easier to wish Atobe grew a heart than for Shishido to steel his own again and begin again fighting back. As much as Shishido often hated Atobe and how he treated him, part of him did love him, another part of him was tired of struggling, and all in all, he simply did not know what to do.

Atobe surprisingly made it easy for him. He took someone else into his bed in front of him. In front of everyone. Shishido was not stupid enough to think Atobe was faithful, although, Shishido was to him while they were together, even with the tons of offers that poured in to get on Shishido's good side. His good side and then Atobe's by proxy. But Shishido turned them all down. Men and women. He only wanted Atobe to touch him, want him, love him. Even now he had not kissed or been with another person since that girl Atobe gave him. Even now, he had dreams of kissing Atobe still.

Shishido held back his kiss from him but he ached to kiss and love him all the time. Really love him. He knew how surprised Atobe would be. Surprised and pleased to discover how good a lover Shishido could be when he was an equal. Shishido to his shame used to kiss Atobe sometimes when he was positively sure he was asleep. Shishido knew though, without any doubt, that the moment he stopped being a challenge to Atobe, the moment he gave all of himself and his entire heart to him, Atobe would drop him like a hot rock. The disfavor Shishido feared would have become even worse. Because Atobe would be disgusted with him for giving himself to him. Amused, but still disgusted.

So Shishido held back and eventually, ironically, Atobe took someone else into his bed. Shishido was almost amused as he watched him do it. Amused and disgusted because the guy, Tezuka, was not that attractive compared to Shishido and even worse, he was completely drugged at the time. Atobe kissed and fondled Tezuka in between the guy throwing up so hard he could barely catch his breath. Atobe in that moment was truly disgusting. A monster. Completely selfish and taken away by his own overinflated ego.

It hurt to see the person he loved be like that with someone else, entranced by someone else, yes it hurt. But it was more than that. It was a preview of what would come if Shishido stayed. Somehow he gathered the courage in himself to let go and walk away.

Still, he thought he would not be able to resist when Atobe chased after him, touched him, whispered things he wanted to hear to him. Shishido didn't think Atobe would come after him. He had wanted Atobe to chase after him as much as he wanted him not to.

But when push came to shove, when Atobe after kissing a very sick Tezuka who was puking bile a moment ago went to kiss Shishido, it had been surprisingly easy for Shishido to turn and walk away.

Shishido did not cry over Atobe then. He kept that image of Atobe, half dressed, his hair for him oddly messy, his lips kiss swollen from someone else's mouth, and stinking of someone else's sweat and vomit, in his mind firmly whenever he felt the need to reach out for him. But it wasn't enough. Shishido needed Atobe to realize he had lost at winning Shishido's heart. He needed him to know he had never it won from Shishido even if it wasn't true. Shishido from his childhood battles had to fight against Atobe's rejection for his own self-esteem. He worried over gaining Atobe's respect or else he feared he would be hazed unmercifully and possibly beaten, gang raped, or worse. Hyoutei was not for the weak. And when you fall, you fall far, fast,and you fall alone. There are many who glut themselves on your disgrace. Shishido had seen it first hand. If Atobe ever completely turned on him, Shishido would be as good as dead. It would be open season on him and he would be lucky to survive. Everyone who had ever had a grudge against him or Atobe would physically take it out on him.

But after he walked away from Atobe, Shishido also found he missed him. Atobe was not always cruel. He had moments of boyish affection and he could make you feel adored like no one Shishido had ever known. Atobe would ask a question and he would pause, staring at you to listen to your answer as if the whole world hinged on what you said. It could be something as simple as what would you like them to make for dinner but it was the way Atobe said it and how he watched you that made you feel special. Loved. Adored. Shishido missed him. He was lovesick while they were apart. He barely ate. He barely slept. He focused on playing and working out just to make Atobe see how good he looked when he saw him again. While he thought of a plan and embarrassingly read books and websites on how to win back a lover, which he would never admit to anyone, Shishido in the back of his mind, in a little corner of his heart, hoped.

He hoped maybe his absence would make Atobe realize he had feelings for him too. Real feelings maybe for the first time in his life. Atobe loved him. Shishido knew he did. Atobe just didn't know how to love someone other than himself. Tezuka, all that, was because Atobe was afraid of how much he felt. Shishido knew it would take a miracle for Atobe to change but maybe love was enough of a miracle for him to change. Shishido kept that little corner of his heart open and waited to see what Atobe did when school and tennis started. He would make Atobe chase him and work for him. If Atobe wanted him and loved him enough, Shishido knew he had the resources and power to win Shishido back. Atobe would never respect someone who made it easy for him to win so Shishido didn't.

He was happy whenever Atobe made excuses to talk to him. He saw Atobe watching him all the time. He looked hungry and brokenhearted and Shishido ached to go to him. He wanted to take him in his arms and kiss him. Tell him it would be all right. Shishido wanted to make love to him. But he waited. Atobe would have to come to him. Everyone saw the yearning clearly on Atobe's face. In his every move. They all talked. They all waited, excited to see what would happen next. It was enough that other people figured they were on a break or in a lovers quarrel. They did not haze or harm Shishido. Instead, more people than ever tried to get on Shishido's good side so that when the time came when he reunited with Atobe, they would have a stronger in. Shishido let them as he let Atobe circle him, and he hoped.

Then the little sister choosing happened. Atobe had chosen one for Shishido the year before. Shishido and his little sister were in the same grade and he would have her all his time at Hyoutei. She was very happy that Shishido was rumored to be with Atobe because her status was greatly increased by proximity. Shishido could not stand her, Atobe had chosen someone who would not distract Shishido from him, and so Shishido had little to do with her. He was jealous and distressed of who Atobe would get for his new girl however. He hoped it was not the beautiful and dangerous Naomi.

To his dismay it was. And then Atobe ordered him to come with him in front of everyone. Shishido had no idea why. He had hoped Atobe would confess his feelings. But to Shishido's shock he only offered her to him first.

If they were alone, Shishido would have hit him because in that moment, he knew Atobe was too afraid to love him. To really love him. Atobe had chosen wrong. Atobe should have taken him aside and told him he loved him, missed him, and wanted him. He should have taken Shishido aside and made love to him. Not given him a stupid meaningless girl first.

Shishido's heart was breaking. His pulse was pounding in anger. He felt sick. He tried to push Atobe over the edge figuring that if he watched, Atobe's emotions would break to the surface and he would come to him. He would stop them. Stop this. Shishido kissed her wishing it was Atobe. Shishido felt sorry for the girl who was as obviously in love with someone else as Shishido and Atobe were with each other. Shishido made love to her wishing it was Atobe and that Atobe would see it and just come to him. Stop this. But he didn't. He sat there and watched them with his Hyoutei plastic smile glued to his face.

As if he didn't give a damn.

Shishido could not even look at him.

Shishido came with a growl of despair and want when he finished and Atobe still had not come to him. He knew now he never would. Shishido felt ashamed. And dirty. Dirtier than after the worst things Atobe had done to shame him. Shishido walked into the bathroom after he came and held onto the counter for a moment to steady himself. His hands and knees were shaking and he felt a few seconds away from breaking and crying.

He remembered Atobe sitting there with his fake smile on his face like a mask, allowing this even though Shishido knew he was hurting too. He kept himself only barely from punching a hole in the wall or shattering the mirror with his fist. He would not give Atobe the satisfaction of seeing how he had hurt him. Hurt him and destroyed Shishido's hopes. He fixed the same plastic smile on his own face. He had been watching Atobe make it for a year so it wasn't hard to imitate. Shishido was stronger than this. He had to get a grip on himself. Angry now, he dressed fast and straightened his hair. He thanked the girl and Atobe and left. He walked past Jiroh who was at the door when he walked out. He smiled when Jiroh asked if he had a nice time. He smiled as everyone else he passed asked the same thing.

Shishido walked the entire way home. Some 20 kilometers or more. And it was a cold rainy night. He barely noticed. He cried at some points, mentally beat himself up at others, and tried to let it all go. The next day they had tennis together and he knew everyone would be laughing over their great night. One kindness Atobe had unwittingly done in giving him this gift was unless Atobe openly went against Shishido, people would leave him alone. They would not understand what his status in regards to Atobe was now. Shishido knew, even if Atobe had another lover, and knowing him he probably had one by now, Atobe would not go against him openly. At least not at first. Because Shishido knew Atobe was as heartbroken as he was. He had seen it in his face. Atobe would never wear a weakness on his sleeve like that for anyone to exploit. As long as Shishido stayed away and did not shove his heartbreak in his face, Atobe would leave him alone and protect him without realizing it.

So Shishido avoided him. In the following weeks they had pretty much avoided each other. Atobe had taken up with Jiroh it seemed. One of his own kind Shishido heard snickered behind his back, but from a safe distance away because no one knew if he and Atobe were still lovers and Jiroh was on the side or if the three of them were involved. Shishido by this point only felt numb. Numb and bitter.

Bitter enough that he knew he would hate the kid Atobe had 'discovered'. Some guy who applied late, his wealthy family begging to let him in after some problem or tragedy but who only really got in because Atobe wanted him in. He hated the kid even more when he saw him. How green and open he looked. How naive and unassuming. How sweet and eager to please and be liked. Shishido knew he was not even that innocent when he was that young. He could never have afforded to be. This kid could easily become another pampered pet of Atobe's. Corrupted by him and then turned out when he tired of him.

Atobe had not said one word to Shishido since the night he gave him his little sister first. Not one. Shishido knew he was being set up for a fall when Atobe ordered in an offhand, bored manner after personally getting the kid and walking him past everyone to get a look at, even holding up their practice to watch him, "Shishido, you play him. Try and return it."

Atobe had told many people about this kid's super fast serve. It had a name. Crud serve? Very Seigaku to name your silly special shots as if you were making up ice skating or ballet maneuvers instead of tennis plays. Shishido could not remember what it was called. He had tried to tune it all out. He never in a million years thought Atobe would do this to him. Single him out so soon. He must be over him Shishido thought and he felt fresh hurt bloom in the middle of his chest. Then he realized he was not over him, otherwise he wouldn't have singled him out to make him look stupid. Shishido stood his ground. "Whatever." He replied sounding bored back to Atobe's challenge. He walked past him and onto the shaded side of the court. Let the new green kid face the sun with his crud serve.

The kid looked at him and then shaded his eyes. His mouth dropped open. As if Shishido was a space alien or a super model or some other amazing thing he had never seen in his life. No, Shishido realized as the kid whispered something, his whisper sounding shocked and broken. He thought Shishido was someone else. Shishido felt burned by the intensity of the look the kid was giving him. Everyone around them was silent watching this. The kid looked at him as if he was drowning and Shishido was the only one in the world who could save him.

Shishido felt oddly terrible that he was not that person. Whoever he was. He also distantly realized he had to stop this because the kid looked like he was going to cry. He didn't even seem to be breathing. To snap him out of it and get him out of whatever he was thinking, and to stop the other regulars, Mukahi in particular from snapping at the fresh meat once they saw such a juicy flaw in someone Atobe favored, "Are you going to serve sometime today old man or what?"

People laughed. Shishido was always one to make sarcastic comments, yes, but not to comment on someone's appearance like that. He was not sure where the old man thing came from. He was a little embarrassed by it and hoped it wouldn't stick with the kid. He felt guilty as if he had given a bad name to a puppy and wondered when he had grown so cold as a person.

Before Hyoutei, he would have protected someone so innocent and hurt as this kid looked. Here, everyone was so worried about protecting what little they had, they stopped relying on anyone else or helping each other. Shishido shifted uncomfortably under the enormous weight of the kid's frozen, heart-wrenching stare. He absently flicked his long hair that went down his back over his shoulder and regretted it because Atobe knew he had a habit of doing that when he was feeling self-conscious. Everyone was looking at one of them and then the other, including Atobe. Their heads all moved as the moment stretched out as if they were playing tennis but neither one of them moved.

And then the kid moved. He passed out hitting the ground like a stone.

Shishido could not have been more shocked. Whoever the kid thought Shishido was, it meant that much to him that he passed out. Shishido felt weird. Like a ghost. And cold all over. He couldn't move. He couldn't even check to see if the kid was okay. He went to go to the kid and found that Taki was already moving. He was halfway to the him. Shishido for an irrational instant thought to himself that he could beat Taki in getting to him. He was faster than Taki. Always had been. He could get to the kid first. He should. He should see if the kid was all right. Damn whatever Atobe and everyone else thought. A cold breeze moved Shishido's hair before he went to move. His every muscle was poised to move and in the breeze he could have sworn he heard someone whisper in his ear, "Wait..."

It seemed so real that Shishido moved. He jumped back to get away from it, astonished, and a shudder went through him. He backed away. He kept backing away until he had left the court where everyone was now gathered around the kid or talking about him. He turned and walked away. No one even noticed him, except Atobe. He knew the very unique signature and feel of that stare on his back from anywhere. Shishido did not turn to look at him. Atobe would be embarrassed and would lash out at the nearest person to save face. Shishido instinctively knew not to let it be him, and if he looked back it would be.

He kept walking away. But he felt bad for the kid. Atobe would probably not give him another chance and that seemed a shame. Shishido felt terribly guilty about that but he wasn't sure why. Some guy the kid once knew must have just had long hair. It had happened before when someone thought from behind because of his hair and build he was someone else. That was all it was, surely.

And as he thought this, Shishido had to his surprise already turned around and was heading back to see what happened for himself. He hid in the shadows under the bleachers so no one else saw him. Not Atobe, not Jiroh, not anyone else on the team, and not the kid because Shishido did not think he could take the intensity of that stare again. He felt it on his skin still and when he remembered the wind and the whisper he heard on it he shuddered again as if someone walked on his grave. Taki, as he watched, was helping the kid sit up.

Atobe wasn't going to let the kid play even after he said sorry. He had made Atobe look bad and in front of Shishido and everyone else. Shishido felt bad for him. Taki, surprisingly stepped in for the kid, "Hey, Atobe, come on let him serve. A few more minutes won't kill anyone. You don't want Shishido wrongly thinking opponents now are passing out because of his beauty or some crap like that. His ego is big enough as it is." Everyone laughed.

Shishido didn't. He mentally crossed Taki off his list of friends which was never big to begin with. He knew Taki was smart enough to appeal to Atobe's vanity and knew what to say to motivate their Vice Captain to change his mind. Why Taki was putting himself on the line for the kid Shishido wasn't sure. Maybe he felt the same overwhelming urge to protect him too. Maybe the wind told him something different Shishido thought with a wry smile that never reached his eyes.

Shishido watched the kid wind up before serving. After asking everyone else to leave the court in a bold move. Shishido found himself rooting for the kid now. Naive or not, he wanted the kid to succeed. "One...shot...to...your...soul...!" the kid surprisingly yelled after what looked like a prayer and then the ball flew. Literally flew to the other side of the court, slammed into the ground, and then instantly bounced out. Shishido could barely track it moving so fast. Taki never had a chance to move to it let alone return it. He would never be fast enough to return it. Taki was good, but he was better at doubles than he ever was at singles. He relied on a strong back partner to his strong net play. The serve was so fast and hit with such force, Shishido doubted it would do anything but knock the racket from Taki's hands.

Shishido was impressed. And intrigued. He wanted to try to return the serve as much as he wanted to know why the kid looked at him like...that. He leaned against a pillar and studied the kid for the rest of the practice. He hoped for some answers.