Learning to Fall.
Chapter Seventy-One ~
Warnings: Yaoi, Love, Angst, Fluff, and Lots of Sex. Some kink. You've been warned ;)
Disclaimer: Nope not mine. Still in my dreams. ;)
Oishi felt terrible. Not only had he made Eiji cry but Eiji almost told Oishi that he couldn't do this anymore. Oishi was awed by him. There was no way Oishi could walk away from him now. He knew that. He felt it. Oh, he would leave him if Eiji wanted him to, but Oishi knew he would never get over him. It would kill him. He would never get over him. Ever. He thought of his sister crying to him when a guy she liked asked someone else out. He remembered her saying she would never love another person and then being over the guy in a month.
Oishi knew this was nothing like that. He knew he and Eiji were something unique, something rare, something often looked for and usually never found. Oishi clearly recalled for a moment his earlier feeling of not knowing where he stopped and where Eiji started, and also the feeling that they had loved like this before, forever, time and time again. Eiji knew just about everything about him, and loved him anyway. Oishi had made a serious error Friday night, and would feel terrible about his mistake whenever he thought about it, but, he could make it right, or at the very least, better. He would. For both of them.
He felt Eiji kissing him gently, lovingly placing little kisses on his face and neck as he waited for Oishi to return to him, knowing him like no one else ever had or probably would. He kissed Eiji gently back and felt Eiji respond as he realized Oishi had come back from his thoughts. "Oishi?" Eiji asked, his voice sounded little and ragged from crying so hard. Oishi looked at him and saw Eiji formulating exactly what he wanted to ask. Oishi knew whatever it was he wanted to ask would be important to him. He was working himself up to ask what was bothering him.
Oishi knew his answer to whatever Eiji asked would be the most important answer he could give him and that if Eiji made a leap over to an entirely different subject he would expect Oishi by now to follow him. Oishi paid close attention and waited him out. "Hoi. When did you first have feelings for me? As more than just a friend?"
Oishi thought and felt his pulse quicken. He had a sense that everything might depend on him saying the exact right answer, and it being the truth.
Then Eiji said, "Nya Oishi, don't tell me. Tell me instead all the girls you've ever kissed and touched. I know you don't like to, but its not you bragging to another guy. Its you telling me, your boyfriend, what you've done so I don't feel jealous anymore when I hear it from them. So I don't worry or think you want them. Or so that when I hear some girl say she's your ex-girlfriend and she is going to get you back, I don't worry. I know why you did all that kissing. You were lonely and it was fun, but now I need to know."
Oishi was in shock. He cringed thinking of everyone and everything he had done anything with. Eiji would think he was terrible for how many things he did with so many girls. He would rather answer the first question but was thinking now of his answer to the second terrible one. But then before he could start to answer it, Eiji kissed him.
He watched as after the kiss, Eiji took a deep breath as if bracing himself. He put his chin up and looked completely vulnerable. He took a breath and said, "Nya Oishi, don't say anything. Just give me the kiss test. I'm ready. I'm not scared anymore. I love you. I'll pass it. I'll show you that I'm the only one who can."
Oishi was shocked. He didn't even know where to begin so he started with the most bizarre. "Kiss test?"
"Hoi. Oishi's kiss test." He said it like Oishi should know what that means. "I'm ready." He was getting annoyed.
"Eiji, love, please don't get mad at me. I have no idea what you mean. Really. Please explain?"
Eiji gave him a long look as if watching to see if he was telling the truth or if he was going to make fun of him. Oishi was telling him the truth. He had no idea, not even a clue as to what Eiji meant. "Nya. Six girls, Oishi." Oishi was lost. "Six girls, six friends, since freshman year. Six girls at different times each came to me crying, and upset. Each one said you gave them the kissing test, they failed it, and then you broke up with them. You might not even realize you have a test, but you do. Six girls can't all be wrong. And there are others, they all say the same thing. But nya, six girls came to me directly."
"I...I've never heard anything about it." Oishi was stunned. He had no idea what this was about. "Why didn't you say something before? What is it? Who told you this?"
Eiji calmly said the names of six people Oishi had kissed or done more with. Oishi tried not to cringe. They all went to their school and most of this happened freshman year before Oishi decided that he should probably date only people out of his school. And that was only six.
"Hoi. Here is what they said; The kissing test is you kiss them for a really long time in a strange or different way." Eiji looked at him as if checking to see now if Oishi knew what he meant. He didn't. Oishi was wondering what a strange way meant when Eiji must have read the look on his face.
"Nya. Not bad, just different. If they respond, they fail. If they don't respond, they fail. Then after you kiss them, just kiss them for a long time, you sometimes touch them. Sometimes all over." Eiji pouted a little at this as if the thought bothered him. Oishi worried. If the thought of Oishi touching just six people bothered him, then Eiji would think he was terrible when he found out how many it had really been.
"Nya. They all fail and a little later you tell them that you don't have time to date them, that you're too busy. Sometimes you say it right after and sometimes the next day but you break up with them all. Everyone says so."
Eiji paused waiting for a response from Oishi who was too shocked to answer. Shocked but thinking furiously. "Hoi, Oishi. Nya, I didn't tell you because even when I thought you hated me, before we were friends, I thought you were still a nice guy. I didn't think you were like that. You didn't seem to be that way. I thought maybe that you were just kissing them goodbye and they took it wrong or didn't understand. Then when we were friends and then just best friends I didn't think that it was true then either. Then when we were more, I didn't think it was true, but, I worried, a lot. I was afraid to take it. But I'm not afraid now. I'll take it and pass. I'm the only one who ever can. I'll show you."
Oishi almost smiled at his brave front. Eiji was very scared behind it and very vulnerable. In fact, Oishi realized all three of his questions were insecurity questions. Amazing, as Oishi just truthfully confessed he would die if he had lost him. How Eiji could feel insecure Oishi didn't know but he did. If this was the price of his hurting him, even though, amazingly Eiji said he forgave him, Oishi would gladly pay this and more because he loved him. He wanted very much to make it right, to make Eiji feel better, and for him to never feel insecure about them again.
"I'm still not sure what the kiss test is, love. Can I think about it for a while? I may have done it as you said before breaking up with someone, I don't know. In the meantime, can I answer your other questions? I'll tell you anything you want to know Eiji. Anything. You never have to be afraid to ask or tell me anything. Can you repeat the first one again?"
"Hoi. When did you first have feelings for me? As more than just a friend?"
Oishi realized a long time had passed while he thought about it. Eiji was waiting for an answer and looked upset probably because Oishi didn't instantly know. "Honestly, I...I'm not sure. I don't know for sure." Eiji dropped his jaw and Oishi felt him tense up completely. "Eiji, wait, please let me finish. The first thing I thought of when you asked was always. I was going to say always because I can't imagine a day without you. I can't. I don't want to. But then when I thought about it, its sort of true. I've watched you for a long time, even before Fuji came to Seigaku." Oishi shrugged and Eiji's brow creased at the information.
"I wondered back then about you, when I first met you, what it would be
like to be your friend, to have you hug me hello like you do everyone else, to
have you smile when you saw me, and to have you say how glad you were to see me.
But I don't know if that was more than a friend or not. I watched you more after
Fuji came. I was surprised at first that you were such good friends with him.
Fuji seems so quiet and you are so extroverted. The more I watched you with him
the more I saw what a good friend you are to him. You toned yourself down for
him. You made him laugh and reached out to him when he was new. That is probably
why I get so jealous of Fuji, its not just that he kissed you, that doesn't
help, but its more that you reached out to him and became his friend and, well,
you never did that with me. But I don't know if that was more than a friend or
Eiji listened, surprise registering on his face.
"Then I thought about the first time I told you I love you, but I knew I
did before then. So I thought about the first time I told you I had feelings for
you but you said it first. Remember? I had asked you stupidly who you were
interested in and was trying not to be upset thinking it would be a girl, and
not me. I was happy you said me, surprised, but happy, so I must have had the
more than a friend feelings before then. I thought about when I told you on the
phone about my temper. I was really upset thinking you wouldn't want to be my
friend or anything else, although I wasn't sure what else there was, so I had
those feelings for you before then. So, I was trying to remember the first time
I called you 'love'. I think I said it while we were touching each other, at
your house, I wanted you to wait for me so we could come together. I must have
had some of those feelings before then. I've never called anyone else anything
like that before. Later you teased me and said 'not yet, love' back to me. I
remember feeling surprised, confused, and happy about it, all at the same
"Then I thought about when I hurt you playing tennis. When you weren't talking to me. How terrible that was. I think I had feelings for you then but I missed you so much, I never dealt with my feelings or thought about them. I thought that you would never talk to me again let alone kiss me. I wasn't sure if that was right or not but it still hurt me. I could barely function that entire week. I wondered if I was going crazy or was gay because I kept thinking about you, missing you, and wanting to see you, to kiss you, to talk to you, to hear your voice." Oishi touched his cheek softly remembering how much he missed him. Eiji smiled slightly.
"I felt like I couldn't breathe again until I beat Fuji and he promised me he would help me to see you. When I went up to see you, you thought it was Fuji on the stairs and yelled out to him. I felt my heart breaking from missing you and wanting it to be me you wanted to see. I wanted to be the one you called out to. I didn't feel better until you hugged me. Then when you told me Fuji had kissed you, I was really mad, very jealous. Remember? I was jealous at the movies of Kiku kissing you. When you told me she touched you like Kiko touched me and you had a physical reaction, I was again jealous even though you said you didn't want to see her again. So I must have had some feelings as more than a friend for you then to feel so jealous. I've never been jealous before. Ever."
"So then I was thinking about the first time we kissed. Just me showing you how. My heart was pounding and when you laughed, when you got nervous, I was so angry. I know that sometimes happens, that its no big deal, but still I was mad. Then you made me laugh and it was all right. I went to kiss you again and my heart was racing. I remember thinking to myself that you hug and kiss people all the time, not me, but other people all the time, this means nothing. So I kissed you to show you. You were tense so I put my arm around you. When you kissed me back..."
Oishi sighed, and touched Eiji's face again, he ran his thumb across Eiji's soft lips, and smiled at him, "I didn't want to stop. I forced myself to because I was afraid, of how it felt. I even woke up that night and you were laying on my shoulder and my arm was around you. You had taken your shirt off and my hand was on your back. I wanted to touch your skin and I felt so stupid. I was scared. You curled up closer to me, still sleeping, and I almost kissed your forehead. My heart was beating hard, so I rolled you back onto your back, took my arm out from under you carefully, I was afraid to wake you and turned over so I wouldn't be," Oishi searched for the word, "...tempted to touch you anymore. I didn't understand how I felt, but Eiji, I had some kind of feelings for you then. I had never felt like that ever before, about anyone, and I was scared. But I think I had more than friend feelings for you even then. I really don't know when I first had feelings for you Eiji, because, I've always had some kind of feelings for you. I wasn't sure exactly what they were, but they've always been there."
Oishi was embarrassed by what he was admitting as much to himself as to Eiji. However, he would admit anything Eiji needed to hear if only to make this better somehow. And it was all the truth.
Eiji looked surprised at Oishi still but held his gaze for a few seconds. As if he was checking to see if Oishi was lying somehow, or would make fun of him. Eiji smiled and then kissed Oishi hard. He just pressed his mouth against him in a full hard kiss while squeezing Oishi so tight Oishi couldn't breathe. Then he laughed as if realizing that Oishi couldn't breathe. He flipped them over so that he lay on top of Oishi and kissed him. Melting into him and laughing delighted. His laughing made Oishi laugh. "Is that what you thought I would say?" Oishi asked smiling. Eiji shook his head no and bit his bottom lip slightly.
Oishi hadn't expected that answer. "Is that what you hoped I would say?" Oishi tried again. Eiji bit his lip more and smiled as he shook his head no.
Then he pounced, kissing Oishi sweetly and dipping his tongue into his mouth. He squeezed Oishi again tightly so he could barely breathe. "Nya! Better." Eiji said when he let him go. "Better than I thought or hoped you would say." Oishi touched his face and smoothed his messy drying hair out of his eyes. Eiji for once let him. "Nya. I thought you would say when I said it to you on the phone. I hoped you would say when you missed me. This was better."
"What about you, when did you know?" Oishi was curious.
Eiji cocked his head to the side. "Nya, Oishi? I have to tell you some
things first so you understand." Oishi waited a little confused. Eiji lay
back down next to him. "Hoi, first, I never saw you watching me." Eiji
pouted a little at this remembering, "But, I thought you hated me, like
"You did? You said that before too. Why? I never hated you. I don't hate anyone."
"Nya. I know that now, but then I thought you were like him. You're his friend and I knew he didn't like me. You were always very serious. I knew everyone liked you and you got along with everyone so I just thought you hated me, nya. I heard the rumors about you dating a lot of girls, about your kissing, the test, all of it, and it surprised me. It didn't seem like the type of thing you would do, or that Tezuka would do."
Oishi shrugged. What could he say, "I guess I just didn't really kiss anyone that I really liked." Eiji for some reason looked at Oishi amazed. "Until you." Oishi said smiling but still saw that wasn't why Eiji was surprised by what he said. Sometimes Oishi still had no idea what Eiji was thinking.
"Hoi, second thing." Eiji curled up closer to Oishi and said almost shyly, "That night, when you turned me over, after you kissed me and I kissed you." He paused as if daring himself to say it, "Nya Oishi...I...I wasn't asleep."
Oishi pulled back to look at him, shocked. "Y...you weren't?"
Eiji smiled a little shy, bit his bottom lip, and shook his head no. "Nya. You were just my best friend. I liked you as my best friend, and then I liked kissing you, and I liked laying next to you, so when you fell asleep I did. It felt nice. When you were sleeping, you put your arms around me. You kissed my hair in your sleep."
Eiji nodded biting his lip more. "Hoi. I liked it. You were warm and smelled good. Like you. You had your arms around me. I was trying to match my breathing to yours to fall asleep when you woke up a little. I kept my eyes closed and tried to relax. Nya! I didn't want you to know I was awake! You moved your hand on my back, flexing it. I figured it must have been asleep from my laying on it. Then you put your hand back on my skin, soft, like this...."
Eiji touched Oishi's chest in a slow caress and smiled, "Hmm, it gave me the shivers. You moved close to me and I thought you maybe would kiss me again. I hoped, but then I was nervous. You put your other arm around me and moved me to my back. You stayed there, holding me close for a little. Nya, I couldn't open my eyes to see you and I didn't know what you would do. My heart was beating hard, and I was hard again. I was going to move a little as if I was waking up, but before I could, you moved your arm from under me and rolled over with your back to me." Eiji pouted, now remembering.
"I'm sorry, love. I had no idea you were awake. None. If you had said anything, or moved, I would have jumped out of my skin. I only rolled over because I was so tempted to kiss you again, to touch you more, and I was afraid of how good it felt." Oishi kissed him now, now that he could.
Eiji kissed him back relieved, "Hoi! I was going to put my arms around you again and hold you, I thought about it and I wanted to, but...nya! I was afraid you would get mad or think I was gay!" Eiji realized what he said and gave a little smile, a little laugh, and a shrug.
Oishi smiled, "So your second question was all the girls I've done anything with. You really want to know?" Eiji nodded vigorously. "I'm really embarrassed. Its a long list and I may forget some people. You'll think bad about me."
"Nya! I won't! Hoi, then tell me all the girls you did more than just kiss."
Oh. "Oh. How much more? Because that...thats a long list too."
Eiji looked surprised, "Nya! That many!?"
Oishi blushed, "I'm sorry. You must think I'm terrible. I really thought I liked each one at the time." Oh, that sounded worse. "Not like how I feel about you though. Not ever." Oishi felt terrible. "Can I start with freshman year or should I go back farther?" Eiji's jaw dropped and he started laughing.
Oishi smiled at Eiji laughing, but then put his head on Eiji's chest. He found suddenly he had a few tears in his eyes. Eiji was still laughing for a moment until he noticed Oishi had stopped. "I'm sorry." Oishi said and meant it. He knew actions had consequences, he just never thought with girls it would haunt him so.
"Nya, Oishi. Don't do it again." Eiji said but he was still smiling from laughing.
"I won't Eiji. Ever." Oishi said reminding him that he had sworn and meant it too.
"Hoi. So just any major girls before freshman year and then to now."
Oishi sighed, he settled his head on Eiji's chest and started Eiji let him for the most part. He only asked a few questions from time to time for clarification or to double check a name. Occasionally he had current information that Oishi didn't. A girl that still liked Oishi or wanted to ask him out again. Another who now liked Fuji now. Eiji did ask a few sexual terms that Oishi mentioned and Oishi explained what each action was. Eiji wanted full details. Oishi worried distantly if it would make Eiji more curious to do things with girls now. Although he mostly worried if it would turn Eiji off and make Eiji just not want to do anything with him anymore.
Oishi tried to be as accurate during his long painful list as he could but he knew he probably forgot some people. He felt terrible and dirty. He worried Eiji would think so too. Eiji listened with rapt attention as Oishi went on and on. He seemed surprised at some of the names, very attractive girls, some from their school and some from others, who had dated and done this or that with Oishi. Oishi trusted Eiji not to tell though and knew better than to ask him not to. Eiji was surprised when he found out that Oishi dated and fooled around with a certain girl from another school. She was very pretty, her family was very wealthy, and she was very popular. Everyone knew her. Girls wanted to be her or at least be her friend and every guy wanted to date her. Trouble was, everyone said she was impossible to get even just a date with. Eiji mentioned their freshman year, even he had a crush on her. Oishi had dated her for almost four weeks and he and she had fooled around a lot. Oishi explained to Eiji she was why he got his new cell phone, the one that the police took after Kiko. After he stopped seeing her, she would not let go. She called Oishi so often he had to change his number and changed his phone at the same time.
Oishi finally finished with Eiji, describing him like he did the girls and watching him smile and laugh as Oishi talked about them being stuck in the morning. Then their double date. Then Eiji's house again. When he was done, Eiji seemed happy and smiled.
Oishi though felt dirty and ashamed. Eiji had not kissed him the entire time he talked although he had touched him with his hand in a soft caress on his arm from time to time. Oishi realized he was sitting quietly with his thoughts and Eiji let him go away again. "I'm sorry."
"Nya, its the past. Thank you for telling me."
"You're welcome." Oishi thought about their bad communication before the movies, "Eiji, I miss you, are you mad at me? I'm really sor...."
Eiji held him close and kissed him. He kissed him long, slow, and sweet. He made Oishi sigh into his kiss. "Nya mad Oishi, nya. I'm just waiting for the kiss test and feeling nervous."
"I thought maybe you wouldn't want to kiss me anymore, after you heard all that."
"Nya, Oishi. Ever would be a long time with no kissing." He said it in a tease but it make Oishi's heart feel much lighter. "Hoi? Some of the same girls that you kissed like me now! One kissed me too!" He listed off some names and they both were surprised.
And then Oishi felt jealous, "Are you interested in them now? Or that other girl who you used to like?" Eiji went to laugh and saw Oishi was serious.
"Nya interested, nya curious. I love only you, Oishi. Ever."
"I love only you too. Ever." Oishi kissed him because he did love him. He kissed him sweetly, wanting to make Eiji realize that Oishi was never like this with anyone but him. He didn't even think he could be. And then just as he thought that, suddenly, Oishi knew what this so called kissing test was. "Eiji! I know what the kissing test is! Its....!" Eiji covered his mouth with his hands.
"No! Nya! Don't tell me! Don't help me! I have to pass it on my own! I have to show you that I can! That I'm the only one who can!"
Eiji's eyes were wide with alarm. Oishi realized Eiji was completely crazy and completely serious and Oishi adored him even more for it. He utterly loved him. He finally nodded because Eiji would not remove his hands from his mouth. He finally did after giving Oishi a hard look to make sure he would not help him. "All right, Eiji. You want to take the test now? You're ready? You're sure?"
"H...hoi. Oishi, I'm ready."
Oishi stood up and turned out his light leaving only his aquarium light on. He had to stand up for a moment because he would have laughed if he didn't. Eiji wanted proof that they should be together and at the same time it seemed he was trying to convince Oishi, who already knew they should.
Oishi only stopped smiling when he thought about losing Eiji and how Eiji must be sitting there, waiting for Oishi to possibly break his heart. As if Oishi would ever leave him. Eiji was being brave, braver than Oishi thought he could be. So, he realized, there were only two things in the world his Kikumaru Eiji was afraid of. Needles and losing Oishi. Eiji was not as afraid of needles when he was with Oishi, and Oishi vowed that Eiji would never be without him.
He would show him that now.
He covered the blinds in his room more making it darker even though it was still morning. He went back to the bed. "All right. Will you lie down please?" Oishi had to keep from smiling.
"H...hoi. Like this?" Eiji flopped down on the bed so fast he almost hit his head on the headboard. He missed it by centimeters. Oishi had to keep from laughing because Eiji was so tense and nervous, he could end up needing to go back to the hospital again.
"Well, more, like this." He pulled Eiji down, flat on his back, into a comfortable for everyone else position. He placed a pillow under his head. "Are you comfortable?" He asked when Eiji was settled.
"H...hoi. Fine." His towel had moved and Oishi could see him laying there naked. He decided not to fix his towel because Eiji was already self-conscious enough. Oishi wanted to tell him how much he loved him but he worried that Eiji would think he was helping him. There were other ways to relax him.
Oishi lay on the bed next to him. "Eiji, I'll give you the exact same test I've given to everyone else. All right?"
"Ho..hoi. That's fair. I'm ready."
"Just relax and be yourself. I'm sure you'll do fine. All right?"
"Hoi Oishi." He looked like he did when he was determined to beat Tezuka and Fuji at tennis.
So adorable.... Oishi thought and then said, "I'm starting." Oishi was almost overwhelmed with love for him. Eiji was doing all this, even though it was completely unnecessary, just to be with him. Oishi lay next to him, a little more on top like always. He touched his hair and his face softly with his hand. Eiji was so nervous he was sweating slightly and he bit his bottom lip. Then Eiji noticed he was doing this and he stopped. He went to nervously touch his hair which was all disheveled after their unfinished shower and then stopped. He put his hands at his sides where Eiji put Oishi's when Eiji wanted control. He wiggled his toes for a moment and then stopped when he realized. Eiji did not do well being still, especially when he was nervous, but he was trying with all his heart.
Oishi put his hand softly on his face, like how he showed him how to kiss that first time, he looked at him, looked in his eyes for a long moment, and then slowly brought their lips together.
A/N: Well, that's it. (LOL)
At least for Learning to Fall.
It will continue in the next story Learning to Land coming soon! It has more angst, more sex, more fluff, and even more pairings. ;)
Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! Hope you had as much fun as I did. :)
Note from yoshikochan: I hope you enjoyed Learning to Fall! It's a wonderful story, nee? And I finally got it all up -huffs and puffs from the effort- ^^;; Sorry for taking so long. The sequel, Learning to Land, is now up at the Tenipuri-dsp! Read and enjoy. =^__^=