Learning to Fall.
Chapter Sixty Nine ~ Fuji
Warnings: Yaoi, Love, Angst, Fluff, and Lots of Sex. Some kink. You've been warned ;)
Disclaimer: Nope not mine. Still in my dreams. ;)
"I'm sorry. I can't right now. I will as soon as you calm down." Tezuka was calm. Fuji wondered distantly how he could be so calm when Fuji was helpless and trapped.
"No. No! Untie me now! Let me go!"
"Syusuke? It's all right."
"Untie me! You're hurting me! If you really love me, you'll untie me now!" Fuji was crying again, now for a very different reason. Although he distantly wondered what the reason he was crying was.
"I do really love you. Nothing on you hurts. You are not hurt. You are not being hurt. You are safe. I will untie you as soon as you calm down."
Fuji heard himself then. He went a little crazy. More than a little. Because asking and begging did not work, Fuji next tried insults. It was stupid he realized while the words poured out of his mouth but he could not stop himself.
It was the most amazing sex he had ever had in his life and he was telling Tezuka how terrible it was. How terrible he was. How stupid he was. Fuji yelled at him, insulted him with anything he thought might hurt him, he said cruel and terrible things, he told him he didn't love him, that he never did, he hated him, that this was all a game, Fuji was only using him, and then topped it off by calling him a liar. He told him he knew he lied about why he stopped going to the club. At this, Tezuka looked a little distraught, so Fuji kept going.
Fuji did everything in his power to get Tezuka to leave him, to cut him loose, and never want to see Fuji again. But he wouldn't. He calmly held him, was smart enough not to kiss him or put his face too close to his teeth, and reassured Fuji. He responded to every insult with love and care. He even tucked Fuji's hair behind his ear until Fuji shook his hand away.
Then Fuji threatened him. That did not work well either, although Tezuka did look concerned when Fuji said he would torture him in school again. He said he would never let Tezuka touch him again. He would however tease him daily and make his life a living nightmare.
Next Fuji threatened that if Tezuka did not let him go right now, he would hurt himself. He threatened to break his wrists. He would pull the rope apart, force them to crack and break. Fuji would never play tennis again. Tezuka said calmly, as if he had even expected that, that Fuji couldn't but he was welcome to try. He told him with the rope give and the stop knots he tied, Fuji could not hurt himself. Fuji tried. He could not move and he snarled with anger when he found Tezuka was telling him the truth.
Fuji considered kicking him, knocking their heads together, but a part of his brain, a very small part that was still somehow distantly rational, told him if he somehow knocked Tezuka out, or even killed him, well that would be very bad too. Especially on Monday morning when someone found the tennis club room locked and the two of them like this inside. Although Fuji threatened him with this and more, he didn't do it. He never released his legs from being wrapped around him. Fuji pushed him away verbally but never physically let him go. Almost as if he was afraid to let him go. He held on tighter to him and screamed at him more.
Fuji was terrified. Fuji cried, begged, demanded, threatened, pleaded, and did everything he could think of. He even tried to fake being calm, then he faked being loving, and Tezuka still refused to let him go because said he could feel Fuji's damn pulse rate was still up.
Finally Fuji said, "Fine! What do you want?"
Tezuka looked very sad and said, "You."
"Ne, Tezuka, you had me, but then you went and did this!"
"Syusuke, you didn't give me any choice. You felt I was too close to you and you got scared. You were in a panic. You were going to leave. You're just scared. It was intense and emotional and you're just scared. But its all right. You're safe. I love you. You love me, and I love you."
"No I do not! I don't love you! I hate you! And you don't love me!" And Fuji felt for a moment that it might be true. That maybe he didn't love Tezuka, or maybe Tezuka didn't love him, but then Fuji's anger cooled instantly and he thought of being without him.
His burst of anger was replaced by more fear. Of Tezuka rejecting him. That he would not want to see Fuji anymore. That he would not talk to him again. He would go back to sitting far away from him. Never touching him. That Tezuka would push him away. Fuji would lose him. That Tezuka knew everything about Fuji and he no longer loved him. No longer wanted to touch him. To kiss him. To hold him. To have anything to do with him.
The next thing he knew, Tezuka had slapped him across his face. "Syusuke!?" He looked worried and held Fuji by his shoulders.
Fuji gasped and then was shocked, "You hit me?" Fuji was surprised.
"I'm sorry but, you were...gone. Syusuke, your eyes went blank and you were barely breathing." He looked seriously alarmed.
Oh. That. But that only happened when Fuji was being hurt. "You're hurting me." Tezuka looked confused and Fuji said in a smaller voice, "That only happens when someone is hurting me." It was a confession Fuji would never have told anyone else he realized. Fuji felt scared by that too.
"Syusuke, I love you. I am not hurting you. I'm not. You're hurting yourself." Tezuka looked miserable. Calm, unflappable despite the absurd situation, but miserable. And then Fuji pondered the situation. Tezuka tied him up just so this could happen. He tied Fuji up and pushed his buttons. He did this on purpose. He was controlling Fuji. Making a fool of Fuji. He didn't love him. He really didn't. No one did. How could anyone? And Fuji had the answer of how to get away. And even lose Tezuka.
Fuji met his eyes and said it softly with his voice steely with conviction, "No, but I will." Fuji meant it too. He would. He could. He would have to. He had planned for this. He had tried. He had tried only once before although he had thought about it for years and years. But only the one time, when things were really bad. Right after Yuuta left, the last time his father was home. He had failed so he considered that time was just a test, but now he was ready. The next time something really hurt him, the next time someone he loved really hurt him, he was not going to allow it to slowly kill him. Instead he would take control and do it himself. He looked to see if Tezuka understood his meaning and saw he did.
Tezuka closed his eyes, he looked in pain, and shook his head slowly no. Fuji waited for Tezuka to yell, to push away from him, to leave him, to want to get away from someone as damaged and sick as Fuji was. That is what most people would do, wouldn't they? They would want to get away. That is what most people did, they shied away and shunned the sick person. Fuji could take this because it was going to be on his terms, and it wouldn't be for long that he would have to suffer. Not this time.
Instead of pushing away, Tezuka drew a breath that sounded like a sob, surprising Fuji out of his dark thoughts. Tezuka opened his eyes and Fuji was shocked to see tears in them. Tears that ran slowly down his face. He whispered softly, begging, "Please, you can't."
Fuji had not expected a reaction like that. No, he expected at most, Tezuka would tell him that he should try and fail or something, like with breaking his wrists. "I can. Of course I can!" Fuji waited for him to argue but he didn't so Fuji continued, "Why not? Yuuta is gone, he's better off without me! My parents would be better off without me! My sister, everyone! Even you!"
"No, I wouldn't. Your friends wouldn't. Kawamura. Oishi. Kikumaru. You can't...." Tezuka continued before Fuji could interrupt him to tell him how he could and would again. He looked right at Fuji and said calmly with tears running down his face, "Syusuke, you can't because you'll take me with you."
Fuji looked at him, stunned. Tezuka meant it. He knew exactly what he was saying and meant it. He was serious. Deadly serious.
"No!" It came out of Fuji's mouth in a little bark, like a dog being kicked. It was Fuji's last hope. The thing he promised himself whenever he went to sleep hurt and crying. When he returned to his body and felt the aches and pains that someone put there while he was gone, someone that said goodnight and they loved him, lying all the time. He promised himself if things got any worse, the next time he was hurt, if it was too much, then he had this, he had a way out. He could control that.
"Yes." Tezuka said. "You will take me with you. I won't be without you. Even if you make it look like an accident, I'll know. So you see, you can't anymore."
Fuji was stunned. Shocked. And furious. Furious that Tezuka knew him this well. Of course Fuji would have made it look like an accident. So no one got hurt. When he first thought of this, at about ten years old, he had thought to simply walk in front of a car. Then he thought that it would be hideously unfair to the poor, innocent driver and that perhaps Yuuta would blame his earlier actions, pushing Fuji off a curb. Fuji did not want anyone else to get hurt. He wanted to free the people he loved, not hurt them. He couldn't hurt them.
So then Fuji decided he would use his penicillin allergy to his advantage. He tried once, after Yuuta left, going to the doctor and neglecting to tell them that he was allergic. He took two pills and ended up only making himself violently ill and winding up in the hospital. He should have planned on his sister coming home. His mistake. But now he had the dose right. He had the pills hidden and ready just in case. Ironically they had been given to Yuuta for strep throat. Fuji would take an overdose of Yuuta's pills, add some cold pills that always made him sleepy, wait until no one was home or was going to be home, and that would be all.
But he couldn't hurt Tezuka. And Tezuka knew it. Fuji couldn't hurt someone else. Especially not someone he loved. He couldn't kill him or see him hurt. Fuji loved him, really loved him, and at the same time, he hated him a little for taking his escape plan away.
Tezuka watched as Fuji thought all this out. To Fuji's shock, Tezuka was now really crying, not just tears, but sobs as well. So was Fuji, but Fuji lately cried all the time. He had never seen Tezuka like...this.
"Syusuke? Do you think I didn't know with what you went through that you would have thought about it? Do you think what I went through that I didn't? But you don't need it anymore. You don't need a way out. You don't. We have something better than that. We do. There's another way and we can be happy." Tezuka put his hands on Fuji's face, his thumbs again wiped away at Fuji's tears. "You just got a little scared, Syusuke. Its all right. I am never going to let anyone hurt you again. Syusuke, I love you, and you love me." Tezuka pressed his lips to Fuji's trembling ones.
"Why? Why?" Fuji sobbed in his mouth but needed to know. "I just told you all those terrible things! I just told you I hated you! You can't love me!"
"I do love you."
"Don't! I'll only hurt you. I'll lie to you. I'll cheat on you. I'll break your heart. I'll destroy you! Its what I do! I hurt everyone I love!"
"You won't hurt me because you love me. I wont ever lie to you again and you never need to lie to me. I should have told you the truth and I'm sorry. I was embarrassed and I hesitated. I won't do it again. You'll only break my heart and destroy me if you leave me." Tezuka paused and wrinkled his forehead, "Why would you cheat on me?"
Ah. He didn't have an answer for that. Something to get him to free Fuji. "Sometimes, I like a woman." Fuji waited to see how that set with Tezuka after Eve.
"Then sometimes, we'll have a woman. Anything else?"
Oh god. That was a good answer. Full of hot fantasies and possibilities. Tezuka looked serious and intrigued too. Fuji had to keep himself from shaking his head at the sudden sexy images that flashed through his brain. Fuji had one more chance. "Sometimes I might want another man."
Fuji heard the 'another man' phrase come out of his mouth before his brain censored it. The tensai realized he was seriously thinking of this. He seriously wanted this. He really wanted Tezuka. He really wanted to be with him. He already knew what Tezuka was going to say before he said it, and how damn good and intriguing an answer it was going to be. "Then sometimes, we'll have another man. Anything else?"
Oh god. "You don't love me. You can't love me." Fuji heard how his voice was winding down, giving in, arguing when he didn't want to anymore. Then he thought of Tezuka rejecting him. Of how Fuji was. There was no way someone as good, as incredible as Tezuka loved him. And this would be much worse when he did reject him, because he seemed to love him. He knew more about Fuji than anyone else had and he would leave, destroying Fuji. "Why do you love me?!" He then heard his sad desperation, the fear in his voice as he cried out the last part. Fuji felt as pathetic as he sounded.
"I love you Syusuke. I think I've always loved you." Tezuka smiled slightly and looked at Fuji as if he was the most incredible thing he had ever seen. Even now. Even after all this. "Do you know, I think I fell in love with you the first time I saw you play? We were about seven. It was your first big competition. At the time I thought I fell in love with tennis, but I think I really fell in love with you. I stayed up half the night wondering about you and the other half of the night wondering how to beat you."
Fuji at this, even in his panic, even through his tears, he smiled slightly. The tensai could not help it. He had felt the same way watching Tezuka for the first time. At Tezuka's confession, Fuji broke and started crying. Hard sobs against him. Tezuka held him and kissed his tears away. He told him how much he loved him, that he would never let anyone else hurt him, he would keep him safe, that he would always love Fuji, he always wanted to be with him, they could do anything as long as they were together, and that he would always try to make Fuji happy. He would do whatever it took to make Fuji happy.
"I don't want to hurt you...." Fuji cried against him.
"Then you never will. Stay with me, be with me, let me love you, Syusuke. I love you. I have always loved you." He said it so sincerely that Fuji was a little in awe of him.
Fuji worried, "I'll be really bad at this, Kunimitsu. I'll take things too far. I won't mean to but I will. Like just before, when you wanted me to wait and be submissive but I pushed you. I took control. I'll be...."
Tezuka kissed him, "You'll be happy. And so will I. Syusuke, I know you. I want you exactly how you are. I've had you completely submissive, remember? Its nice, but this, this is exquisite. You are exquisite. And this is just the beginning. We can go as fast or as slow as you want. We have forever. We can try and do everything. Anything you've ever thought or fantasized about. I love you. I want to make you happy. I love to make you feel good and you make me feel very good." Tezuka kissed him again. Slowly, as if savoring the feel of Fuji's mouth on his.
Fuji kissed him back and felt that gap in the back of his mouth with his tongue, almost as if checking to make sure he was real. Then he felt his lip where he bit him. Tezuka made a little soft moan as Fuji's tongue felt there. Fuji thought about what Tezuka had said. About the possibilities. The potential that lay between them. It was vast and awesome. Fuji realized that being with Tezuka, as scary as it felt, it was not nearly as terrifying as it felt when he considered being without him. Fuji's heart had already decided. He had already decided to take this rare, amazing chance that was lovingly handed to him. Fuji, decision made, was able to feel in control again. Despite still being tied up and in a compromising yet rather enjoyable position. Fuji was able to let go. To fall. To trust. To believe.
Because Tezuka would be there to catch him. He loved him and Fuji loved him back. He had given Fuji everything he ever wanted and more just by loving him. Fuji realized what it was that broke before. It was the little bit of hope that he kept locked away like a poison or else it would cruelly be snatched from him again and again, used against him as he was hurt over and over. Tezuka had broke the lock that kept it hidden away because Fuji didn't need to lock it away anymore. Tezuka went to pull back from the kiss and Fuji pressed himself up and forward, as much as he could so that the connection was not broken. He let Fuji kiss him now and as Fuji watched him while kissing him, Tezuka looked happy. His eyes were closed and he was smiling slightly. He opened his eyes and looked at Fuji. He smiled amused, as if he had a feeling Fuji was watching him while they kissed and he had been right.
Fuji broke the kiss and said softly, honestly and raw, "I love you."
Tezuka touched Fuji's face. He kissed him on just his lips, softly, sweetly, just a long press. "I know." He said softly. He tucked the strands of Fuji's hair that had fallen back behind his ear. "I love you too." He kissed Fuji again. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you why I stopped going to that place. May I tell you now what happened?"
Fuji at first went to protest that he didn't need to. That it didn't matter right now, but Tezuka rarely offered up information. He was trying. Fuji smiled, "Mn. Please."
Tezuka thought for a moment and then seemed to decide where to start. "The last time I was at that club was, as I said, before this year. After tennis camp. You didn't go. I really thought you would go and you didn't show up. I went to camp and my father went to climb Everest. That was when I told my uncle to leave me alone and he threw me out. I was alone, on my own, and had nowhere to turn to." Fuji was surprised to know this. "He lied and told my aunt, my brother's sister he caught me stealing from them. He told her my father came to get me, that he took me away with him, so she and the rest of our relatives didn't know I was on my own. I didn't know all this until later."
Tezuka stealing was outrageous, completely absurd. He must have seen how angry Fuji was. He nodded and continued, "I couldn't reach my father and had nowhere to go so I went home. I was afraid, embarrassed, to tell my friends or any family members. I mean, what could I say? I didn't want anyone to know."
He paused and Fuji understood. He nodded to show him he understood completely, "My father always shut the house down before a trip as we weren't using it. The electric, phone, the gas, the water, everything was all shut off. I slept there, it was summer, so I slept in a tent in our backyard. There were some supplies in the house, camping rations and the like. I tried to be very cautious but knew they would run out. I tried to earn a little money whenever I could, teaching tennis, for food and things. I showered at the public courts and ran into some friends from camp. I didn't tell anyone what was going on. I went out at night with my friends and after we went to the club, they would invite me home sometimes. It was great. A hot bath, a soft bed, a meal, a friend. No one knew how important it was to me, but it was nice. I made two close friends. One goes to Kakinoki. He's their Vice Captain and the other is at Ginka."
"Ah. Kuki and...not Doumoto?"
"No, Suzuki. I actually started to have some trouble because both of my friends seemed to develop feelings for me around the same time. Over time, I got to know each of them. I was not as attracted to Kuki but you know what he is like."
Fuji did, he was a nice guy, when he wanted to be. He had an almost overwhelming personality but he could be as cruel as he could be kind. Fuji also knew Suzuki who was more attractive and a much better person. At least Fuji had always thought so.
Tezuka continued, "They had each kissed me over time." Tezuka said looking at Fuji. "But only kissed and touched. It went no further. I had feelings for someone else and told them both this. They competed against each other for me. At first it was flattering, and with what had gone on with me, I probably needed the attention, and the affection. But then Kuki grew increasingly forceful with his desires, to the point of being too demanding and Suzuki grew increasingly...inventive, trying to seduce me." He absently kissed Fuji again, as if concerned Fuji would be jealous.
Fuji in fact, did feel jealous but was spellbound by the story he had never heard. By all the facts he never knew spilling freely out of Tezuka's mouth. "Ah. So?" Fuji said trying to encourage him to continue.
Tezuka smiled wryly, "Neither one held a candle to you, of course." He lightly kissed Fuji again, as if worried Fuji would reject him, but decided to take the chance in case Fuji needed the reassurance. Fuji drew him into a deeper kiss, enjoying the soft moan Tezuka made as they kissed. "You are incredible. No one else has ever turned me on like you do. You drive me crazy." He said it smiling but serious.
It made Fuji smile. "Ne, most of the time you never seemed...affected or even interested at all."
Tezuka's forehead creased in confusion. A strange look for him. "I didn't watch you shower every morning, listening to you say my name as you came? You didn't see me watching you all the time? I wasn't hard every time you touched me, felt me, teased me, or showered beside me? I didn't call you and beg you not to bed that girl? You didn't see what you did to me after we kissed here before Yuuta left?"
Fuji opened his mouth and closed it, searching for the words, "Ne...but you didn't want to come over after you begged, and you also didn't move to touch me or talk to me the day Yuuta left...."
"Syusuke, after I begged you, I thought you were being cruel, playing a game with my emotions, asking me over after you possibly had just been with her. And the day after we kissed, the day Yuuta moved out, I arrived so early because wanted to see you. I couldn't wait to see you. I had not slept. I went home wanting you and thought about you all night. I worried that you would be all right. I looked so forward to the next morning. To knowing you were safe, to maybe you kissing me, or talking to me. You met me and looked upset. You didn't say a word. I wanted to hold you, kiss you, talk to you, I planned on joining you when you asked. But you didn't ask that day. You never asked, you walked into the shower, and never invited me. I watched you and hoped you asked me. I was worried that you were hurt, upset, or mad at me. I even thought that maybe you felt I took advantage of you when you were upset the day before."
Fuji was shocked. He asked the same words every day but not that one? "Ne. I said the same thing everyday. You could have said something...."
"I could have, I wanted to, but I didn't. I didn't know what had happened and you looked upset. When things get too close, when I get too close, you get scared. You always do. You would get scared and back away. When I gave you space, when I left you alone, only then you would reach for me, until you got scared again."
"I...." Fuji went to protest and thought about it. "I backed away? But you...ne, I thought you...." Fuji thought, his mind wildly racing, but knew in his heart, when he thought about it, that it was true. "I never realized, I...."
Fresh, hot tears spilled down his cheeks as Fuji realized what a mess he really was. How crazy he was. How insane. How he had all along pulled Tezuka close and then pushed him away trying to make him leave. Kind of like before. Tezuka inside him, his legs wrapped around him, and Fuji verbally pushing him away and hurting him. Fuji was mortified that Tezuka knew this about him too. Only Tezuka. Who kissed his tears and his lips now and seemed still to love him despite everything. "Shh, its all right. I understand. Its okay now, Syusuke." He wiped Fuji's tears again with his thumbs.
Fuji could not reach him and wanted to kiss him. He felt too embarrassed to ask for him to kiss him. So he tried another way, "Kunimitsu, I am so sorry...." Tezuka kissed him softly to silence the apology, and pulled back. Fuji felt better the moment he touched his lips and then felt terrible again when he pulled away. Fuji understood then that Tezuka knew him. He really knew Fuji. Even his tricks. He knew Fuji really wanted to be kissed, that a soft kiss was not enough, and that Fuji was not going to ask unless he had to. So he lovingly made Fuji have to. He was so damn good. "Will you kiss me, please?"
Tezuka looked pleased, he kissed Fuji for a long moment. Fuji sighed against him, adoring him. Then Tezuka said softly, "Would you like to hear the rest?"Fuji nodded. He wanted to hear it. "Where was I?"
"Ah, they were both trying to seduce you. Kuki forcefully and Suzuki inventively." Fuji smiled.
Tezuka took a deep breath and slowly let it out. "I thought they both liked me. I thought at the very least they were my friends. I was wrong. Very wrong."
Fuji was shocked at how Tezuka's voice went from so soft as he comforted Fuji to hard and cold now.
"You see, the entire thing was a game to them. I was a toy. They bet on me. Both of them. They bet several hundred on who could get me into bed first...as the uke." Fuji was stunned. "It gets worse. They told other people, many other people, and made side bets. The entire thing was out of control. I had no idea any of this was going on either. I was so stuck in my situation and isolated I had no idea. I didn't have enough money to buy food and they had bet hundreds and hundreds on who could fuck me first."
On to Chapter 70!!