Chapter Forty Six ~ Fuji

Warnings: Yaoi, Love, Angst, Fluff, and Lots of Sex. Some kink. You've been warned ;)

Disclaimer: Nope not mine. Still in my dreams. ;)

Fuji felt cold and Tezuka must have sensed it. Fuji almost slipped up again and it helped chill him. Tezuka drained the bathtub rinsing it out and dried them both. He went to Fuji's room with him and they dressed in Fuji's sleep clothes and lay down. He kissed Fuji for a long time. Just kissed and caressed him gently, lovingly. He waited for Fuji to continue.

"I won all my matches that day and finished early. I was tired and sore and took a shower. Suddenly he was there. I have no idea how but he was. This time, he made love to me. Like he adored me. Like he wanted me and only me. Like he had feelings for me. We still did it in the shower but he faced me and made sure it felt good for me. He kissed me the entire time. He told me watching me play turned him on. That I was incredible. That he had feelings for me but wasn't sure what kind they were. He said he was confused. When we were done he washed me and kissed me more. When I came out of the shower area to get dressed he was gone. I lay down and went to sleep."

"The next few days were a blur of love, lust, and tennis. I really thought I loved him. I thought a while ago that perhaps his only goal at that time was to make me love him. I'm still not sure. Anyway, at the time, I was convinced I did. I knew we would have to play in front of everyone as he was doing well and I was winning every match. I even told him I would let him win. The title meant nothing to me. He did. He insisted I not lose to him. To the point of telling me if I lost to him he would not speak to me again ever. I am still not sure why. By the end of the week ten boys were left in one cabin fighting for placements. I played him that day. There were only a few days left in the camp. The girls staggered their matches so they would finish when we would. I beat him. It was not even all that hard. I thought it was what he wanted. By the end of the match I saw him getting upset and did not know what to do. I certainly did not want to break him. I kept waiting for him to play like he did that first time but he didn't. I don't know why. He just kept getting angrier and angrier. I thought of defaulting. I thought of quitting. I thought of saying I didn't feel well. But I played. Towards the end, he was playing harder, but it was a very easy win for me. I really didn't even have to try. I tried to shake his hand and he refused. People watching gasped. I had to smile to keep from crying."

"He would not talk or look at me for the next several days. I was better than most of the players in the camp and now realized it was only him keeping me there. He was good, Tezuka, if he was at Seigaku he would make regulars without a doubt. He was nationally ranked. I have no idea what I did wrong. I tried to talk to him. Tried to get him alone and just touch him, hug him, anything but he rejected me. He told me to leave him alone. I was in agony. I was making myself sick. Physically sick over this, over him."

"I saw that girl that night, and she wanted to be with me. She told me she loved me. We had sex. It was sweet and nice and loving. My first time with a woman and her first time too. She lived far and said she while she had feelings for me she understood that because of the distance and our age we could only be friends. I enjoyed our time. It was nice, simple, and how things should have been. I still occasionally speak with her. She is a friend even now. She wanted to leave first to not arouse suspicion. I was getting dressed and he came out. He was there the entire time. He came out of the back and was crying. Telling me he loved me. Asking how could I do this to him. We argued and he ended up in my arms crying. Then kissing. Then this time, I made love to him. It wasn't like sex with the girl, my friend. This was intense, passionate, loving, we kissed, we laughed, we cried, and we came together. It was the most intimate thing I had ever experienced. We talked for hours and told each other everything. We walked back to the cabin and could not stop touching each other in the dark, telling each other we loved each other, and kissing each other. He lent me his jacket to wear. We fell asleep laying in bunks next to each other staring at each other smiling and barely touching so no one would notice while each other's touch burned like fire. I wore his jacket to sleep in. I had never been so happy."

Fuji was aware that his carefully cultivated voice went from happy to flat as he told the rest. "I woke up the next morning smiling to find he had gone. Left. Grabbed his things and went home. I had no reason why. No note. No way to reach him. Nothing. I was so upset I took to my bed still wearing his jacket. It was all I had of him. I actually made myself ill and feverish. They called my parents to get me after trying to convince me to stay, saying I could win. As if I cared. They asked if I knew why he had left and I said no he had not spoken to me after I beat him. Then I lay down and cried as quietly as I could until my parents came. My fever spiked so high I had to go to the hospital. I knew it wasn't an actual illness and the doctors were baffled. All I wanted to do was sleep or cry and my fever was constant. It lasted for months. They said I had chronic fatigue syndrome. I knew what I had, a broken heart."

"Yuuta tried to even help me. I told him what happened in a moment of weakness. He thought it was funny my having two people, two firsts, in one day. Then he got jealous and would try to lay down with me. I would cry and he would put his arms around me to get me to stop. Then usually he would try to kiss me or put his hands on me. Most of the time I didn't let him but some days I was so tired I did."

Fuji curled up in Tezuka's arms more, crying slightly, ashamed, and Tezuka held him. Not judging. Not saying anything. "I finally got myself together enough thinking if I could just see him, talk to him, everything would be all right. I tried to reach him, to call, to write him, he never responded. He never answered. But then I heard that he was pretty much doing the same thing I was. Barely functioning. Numb. Alone. I found out later he flunked out of school that year and had to stay back. In an odd way it made me feel a little better as if what I had experienced I had not been alone in. I was still confused but I tried to function. I tried to just get through my classes testing out so I wouldn't fail. I could not even consider tennis much to my school's annoyance. They were very upset and begged me. I refused. They even threatened to fail me if I didn't and I still refused."

"But then, Yuuta brought me to a regional game. He dragged me. Literally dragged me there. I saw you play. It was like someone breathed life back into me. It was like you did. It didn't cure me but I felt, better somehow. I had something I wanted to do and somewhere I wanted to be. I concentrated on getting out of that school, transferring to Seigaku, and I started that day to play tennis again. Tezuka, I didn't tell you this to upset or worry you. I hope to never slip back into that half dead state I walked around all those months in. If we only end up being teammates after tonight I am fine with that as long as occasionally you play me. I love to play with you. It makes my pulse race, it makes me feel alive, and you still, after all this time, take my breath away. But I will never beat you. I do not know if I can and I have no desire to. I will not do it." Fuji met his look and Tezuka looked surprised.

Fuji took a breath and continued. "I realize only now that it took me a long time to wake up from that terrible love affair or whatever it was. I allowed it to mess up my life in so many ways. It damaged me because I was weak and vulnerable. I bent in the wind and the wind nearly broke me. But, I will not live sleeping anymore. I am sorry if my passivity confused you. I am not passive anymore. I want to love and be loved. I deserve that and to be happy. Everyone does. I have no idea if what you advised Oishi about Eiji had anything to do with your feelings towards me or your feelings towards men being with men in general. I understand that we should have talked about this long ago, but I am asking you now, how do you feel? Tezuka, how do you feel? About me?"

Fuji had know, once and for all.

Even if it hurt like hell.